The Long and Winding Road

Wave frolicking

The last time I went to Hana, I was about 8 years old and very prone to motion sickness. The road to Hana back then was NOT paved with gold, it was not paved at all but rather filled with muddy potholes. Needless to say that as a young girl bouncing around in the back of a giant Suburban, I got, er, sick. Very sick. Now, twenty years later, the road to Hana is paved, practically with gold because for someone like me who still can be prone to motion sickness, having a paved road is like driving on gold. (Especially because in Michigan, the roads are terrible). The drive to Hana from Kahului takes about 2 hours if you don't stop for any photo ops. We drove straight there in an effort to get ahead of the tour busses and tourist crowds (not that we aren't tourists here, but I don't often consider myself one while here visiting). We arrived at the coastline section of Haleakala park around 10:30, and walked around to the Pools of 'Ohe'o, aka the Seven Sacred Pools. When I was a kid and we came here, the public could swim around all of the pools, cliff jump, and overall enjoy the water. Today, too many injuries (and fatalities) have occurred so on high water days one can't even walk down to the pools, but only admire them from a distance. So that's what we did, admire them from a distance. After the 'Ohe'o Pool admiration, we hiked up an extremely muddy trail, then scurried back to stay ahead of the tour busses that usually arrive at 2pm. We left the park, and headed to the beach to frolic in the waves, then got back on the road to Kahului around 3:30. A beautiful and wonderful day along Maui's southeastern shore.

Home on Maui

It has been three years since I was on Maui, a place I call my home away from home. While growing up in Oregon, my family came to Maui almost every year when I was a child to visit my mom's side of the family. This island is filled with many memories and I'm thankful to have made the trip again this year, albeit a much longer journey from Michigan. We arrived yesterday on Christmas Day, a perfect holiday gift to land here then eat Christmas dinner of rice, sushi, salmon, noodles, mac salad, tempura shrimp, and crab. And spam. Mmmmmm.

Gettin' the Craft On

The epoxy is drying

Today was the kind of day that I've been waiting for since I finished my semester. It's odd how long it takes me to calm down (although I still have some projects I'm trying to work on). But now that I have finally had a weekend to just do nothing, I crafted. So (Spoiler Alert!) I had some last minute inspiration and made some Christmas gifts. I have been wanting to make some gifts but had not felt inspired UNTIL NOW. I got the crafty bug and went for it today. When Kevin and I demolished our bathroom, we saved as much of the tile as we could, partly because we couldn't see it just going to the dump, but also because we hoped there might be some other use or someone else to love this lovely blue tile. So, with all this wonderful blue tile that is perfectly sized at 4.25 inches by 4.2 inches, they obviously make the perfect size for coasters. I'll just say 1) I used a lot of gel medium and 2) there was epoxy involved. Happy Holidays!

Team Read

Cheers over dinner

There are several tips that previous PhD students in the HALE program give to incoming students. Some of these tips include: spend your last summer before beginning the program having fun; don't buy a house (oops); see parts of Michigan if you can before school starts because it's beautiful; and join a reading group. I did join a reading group a few weeks after my program started back in August 2014. I think ours may have been the only reading group in my cohort. (I refer to my reading group as Team Read). I believe there are two types of reading groups that form in the HALE program. The first is where readings for the week get divided up and each person reads their 50-70 pages and takes notes for that. Thus, each person doesn't have to do all the readings for the week and relies on others to do the readings and take notes. The second type of reading group is one where the readings get divided up and each person takes copious notes for their 50-70 pages, and also reads the rest of the assigned reading while using their group members' notes as an outline. So, each person does all the reading, but the note taking is shared. This second type is how my reading group did it. And this is why it worked. Because we all read everything, and helped out with the notes. I should add here, that it is extremely important to READ EVERYTHING. Or at least skim to get the gist of it. There are rumors that the cohort that started the year after me have divided up the readings for the entire semester and are only reading about 50 pages total. TOTAL. Over 15 weeks. I suggested to one of these cohort members that was a bad idea and that she should READ EVERYTHING. Yes, it gets tiring, and it can be redundant. But it's amazing what sticks inside the old brain when it's time to spit it back out for a paper. And it is obvious when one hasn't done the reading.

My reading group in HALE, over the last year and a half, have become more than just a reading group. They have supported me, and laughed with me, and joked about how absurd this whole thing is. Together we have admitted our fears, our joys, our hopes, and our stresses. Last night the four of us got together to have dinner and celebrate the end of our core courses, and celebrate one another and all that we have accomplished. I am so thankful for my reading group. The four of us may have connected through our academics, and now we are true friends. Thanks Team Read.

The Unauthorized Aubudon

Yesterday I went to the MSU library to kill some time until Kevin came to pick me up on campus. I went there first to see if there were any books on tile to check out, then it started to dawn on me that a how-to book was probably not going to be found at the MSU library. I was right, since every time I looked up the search word "tile" it came back with mathematical tiling. I don't know what that is, I was looking more for "tiling for dummies." Anyway, I decided to peruse the faculty book section of the library. On the main floor is a cove where almost all the books faculty have authored or edited are kept. It's not a small space, and I've been through there before just to look and see what is there, how much knowledge is being produced on my campus, and if there might be anything interesting to check out. Indeed, yesterday I found a little gem.

There are several books of poems that faculty have written, and I check out a few of them. One in particular has pages filled with accompanying woodblock prints, and the poems are mostly about birds, thus the title, "The Unauthorized Audubon." I used to read a lot of poetry, and have my own collection of poetry books. Several from my own collection are from northwest poets. Every once in a while I read a poem from one of those books to get a sense of where I grew up and where I used to live.

Mountains and Rivers Without End from Gary Snyder
Toward the Distant Islands from Hayden Carruth
Working in the Dark from Samuel Green
The Business of Fancydancing from Sherman Alexie

I love all of these books.

I'm so happy to have found a few books of poetry from individuals here, where I live now. One reason I read poetry is to get a better sense of where I am, to feel grounded, and to understand my own landscape, whether that landscape is depicted explicitly or through just a gut sense in the poems. I read poetry to take breaths and be quiet so that I can make a map of what I hear and to put my feet back on the ground. And I read poetry because it creates a space for me for quiet, solitude, company, laughter, communion, and joy.

Big Home Improvements

This weekend was a weekend of big house projects. I turned in my last paper Saturday morning, and then after going for a run, and reading the news and having some coffee, I thought about what to do with myself. This has happened now after each semester, the feeling of not being really sure about what to do with myself now that I don't have school work. (Technically, I do have some things to do, like prep a little for my comprehensive exams. But I wanted at least a weekend off from anything school related for 48 hours).

So yesterday as I was sipping my coffee, Kevin and I looked at the wall on the south side of the house and decided it might be time to paint it. We have had six paint chips up there for over two months now, and we already knew what color we wanted. So it was really just a matter of picking up a gallon and going for it. Since the bathroom is also being worked on, I took on the project of the wall. This is also somewhat comical given that I am a terrible interior painter. Really. I'm not good at painting. You can ask my old housemate in Seattle, who gently said to me as he and I painted the dining room, "Hey, how about you take a break? I can take care of the rest" after I botched the trim. A lot of work was done on the bathroom, too. All the sheetrock is up, the seams are sealed, concrete is on the floor, and we're just about ready to start tiling. So. Close. It has been nice to use this weekend for projects. It has gotten my mind clear of any school anxiety (because sometimes it still lingers for no reason) and also try to get our house more into a livable abode.

While Kevin mixed thinset, I painted. The paint is a grey blue.

The Returning of the Books

The is half of what I checked-out this
semester, and the last stack to go back.

The end is near. Tomorrow I will be turning in my final paper for the semester, of which I am completely overjoyed about and also exhausted from. (For sure, overjoyed that it will be turned in). This final paper is also the one I'm most interested in; it's my independent study which I have gotten to have a lot of control over. Having all that control is both a blessing and curse, of course. When I started this project, I was very enthusiastic. I am still in large part, very enthusiastic about my project. However at the beginning of the semester this enthusiasm manifests into trips to the library where I have a couple of books I want to check out, then end up walking out with an armload. I do this a few times throughout the semester. I may not read them all, but I do this as a "just in case" tactic. Now, with the end of the semester in sight, I can officially perform the returning of the books ritual. Or, if I were in an A.A. Milne story, it would be titled "In Which Emiko Returns All of Her Library Books."

The Committee(s)

During the second year of my program, one of the tasks I need to do is form a guidance committee. The HALE program requires a guidance committee and a dissertation committee, although these tend to be one and the same. However, I need to treat them somewhat differently until I have fully established who will be on my dissertation committee. I don't completely understand the purpose of having two committees, particularly because most people say "it's all the same." They do serve different purposes. The guidance committee is involved in directing me in what courses I need to take to bolster my knowledge in areas that will be necessary for me to write a dissertation. The dissertation committee reads and reviews my dissertation, and also tells me if I am lacking in certain areas so I can either 1) take another course or 2) read more books. As I said, I'm not completely sure of the formula. My advisor said, "well, you'll need to be be vague enough but also have some details when putting together the guidance committee. So give yourself some wiggle room, while also having some focus." I just stared at him after he said this. And then we both kind of laughed. Although mine was more nervous laughter.

Regardless of what a guidance committee actually is (a dissertation committee in disguise, perhaps?) I have finished forming mine! This is very exciting, because now it means I get to see what people really think about my research ideas. There are a total of four people on my committee, and I chose them based on their areas of interest. There are two areas that I am particularly interested in, of which I will be focusing for my dissertation (that specific topic has yet to be determined). These two areas are faculty, and organizational change. My committee, thus, brings these two areas of expertise with them and I'm very excited to pick their brains about how to proceed with my coursework and also some big dissertation ideas. We won't be meeting until early next year, but I'm so glad to have my committee formed. One baby step closer.

Thanks PhD comics.

First Christmas

There are days when I walk into my house and I have to be reminded that I own this house. It's pretty cool. For so many years I always kept in the back of my mind that where I lived was temporary because I was a renter. Now, I know I can stay here until I decide to sell the place. What a cool feeling! This year is our first holiday season at our house, and I'm very excited. We put up lights already, and trimmed our tree. There are still some things that I will probably do to decorate, but for now we have the essentials up! (And yes, those are bird paper ornaments on our tree. We were suddenly inspired and made those for our little fake tree).

Running in the Dark

Running headlamp selfie!

It's an interesting feeling to wake up and go for a run at 6:30 because I want to, not because I am training or have to for any reason. When it snowed here a couple of weeks ago I was truly bummed out because I really wanted to go running and wasn't able to (I am still trying to figure out how to keep this up when it really starts to snow). This morning I went for a jog and used my headlamp. I've done this a couple of times before, especially since the time changed - even though there are street lamps I still need a lamp for some areas of my run where the street or sidewalk is uneven. Recall that Michigan roads are terrible. It's usually nice and peaceful in the morning, in the dark. There are a few folks leaving their houses, but mostly it's just me and my footfall. I love having the silence in the morning to clear my head first thing in the morning. With the close of the semester my mind has been a monkey, jumping up and down before my alarm goes off and running circles inside my skull so I have to either 1) get up and do some studies or 2) go running. This morning I opted for running, and then did an hour of studies before I headed to campus.

Over It

Fuel to get through the final
two weeks of the semester.

We have arrived. It is two weeks until the end of the semester for me, and I have officially arrived at the place of "I am so completely over this." What this means is, I just don't care about anything, I want to delete all of my final papers and stay in bed all day and watch Downton Abby. And drink eggnog. But then as the due date draws closer for these final papers (ahem, two weeks people, two weeks) I start to freak out and get nervous and then decide I should work extra hard to finish strong. I met with a group tonight for a project and we all said at the beginning of the meeting, "We are over this semester!" and then nervously laughed and said that we were also kind of anxious about our studies and working hard to get everything finished and in just so condition. Then someone said, "I guess that's why we're PhD students." We do, in fact, care. Sigh. I guess I'll get started back again on my papers. And warm up some eggnog.

Thankful Giving

Empty Plate, Full Heart

Kevin and I went to Joliet, Illinois again this year for Thanksgiving. Last year, as new Midwesterners, we were invited to spend the holiday with our friend and her family. She grew up near Joliet, and much of her extended family lives in the area. Like last year, there were almost 50 people there for Thanksgiving dinner. And like last year, the festivities kicked off on Wednesday night with a dinner at Merishka's, a local restaurant that serves up butterine filled chicken and beef poor boy sandwiches. Mmmm fried food. We needed that fuel on Wednesday evening because of the family walk and run down a trail through the woods that follows a little river. This year, with my new found rhythm in running, I was able to be one of the runners of the group and did almost 5 miles. Nothing like starting Thanksgiving Day with a run! (Mostly because then I can somehow justify gorging for the rest of the day). I am so thankful to have this extended family to visit during such a family centered holiday. Washington state is too far to travel for a short-long weekend, and having my friend and her lovely family welcome us in two years now, and I know for the future of our time here in the Midwest is so heartwarming.

Hygge

Given the recent snow, I was surprised that my train ride back to Lansing from Chicago was only an hour behind schedule. And that was due to a frozen switch not even outside the Chicago city limits. With this first snow, my heart did melt a little (or maybe it froze?) because I wasn't internally prepared for this yet. I just couldn't really accept that snow was going to fall here and it might keep on falling until, well, I don't know, maybe April? (heart turned into a pool of water just then). I was reminded, however, that last year we got a little snow and it melted, then we were snow free for about a month. Then it came again right at the end of December and stayed until, well, maybe April? Or maybe it was March.

So while I was in Chicago (not enjoying the conference and deciding to play hooky) my friend from Seattle and former master's advisor shared with me the concept of hygge. It can't really be translated into the English because we don't normally live with 17 hours of darkness apart from Alaska. But it refers to the concept of coziness, togetherness, warmth, community, companionship, etc. I will also add hot cocoa, fuzzy socks, wood stoves, staying in all day and watching back-to-back episodes of Law & Order, and sharing hot soup with a neighbor. Basically, finding joy during dark freezing temperatures. Yes, this is my new mantra for this winter season (even though winter doesn't officially start for another month). I vow to invite hygge into my cold Midwest winter and stir it into my eggnog.

At Least I'm in Chicago

In spring 2013, I went to a very large conference in San Diego call the International Association of Fundraising Professionals Conference (AFP). I went because I was writing grants at the time, and so wrote a professional development grant for myself to go. I confess, part of why I went was because I wanted to go to San Diego. This was all before I started applying to go back to school, or even putting that thought into my mind. I remember the first morning I was in SD. I walked out of my luxury hotel on the waterfront, I took a stroll down the water and breathed in the air. It was of course, beautiful - it was some time in April I believe. Then I went into the enormous San Diego conference center and was swallowed up by 6,000 people. All fundraisers. All crazy. I went to the first session, and all I could think about was, "this is not for me." So then I went to a second session, and I thought, "why am I here?" and finally a third, and thought, "I must get out of here." So I went for another long walk down the waterfront, and thought about what I was doing. It was then I decided to use this time to take care of my own interests and face the fact that I was not a part of this community. People who attend fundraising conferences, for the most part, are not my people. I did attend most of the following days proceedings (because I was on a grant) but I did skip out on the afternoon of the last day and went to the zoo.

The view from the lake shore trail on my run this morning

Just this last Wednesday, I arrived in Chicago to attend another conference, ARNOVA, which is too long an acronym to describe so I'll just say it's for nonprofit academics and practitioners. And, well, after my first session, I thought, "I don't think this is for me" and I admit I was extremely board. Then I carried on and went to a second session, and thought "why am I here?" and I really tried to find a reason. Then I went to a third, and a fourth, and kept thinking, "I must get out of here." I had plans to meet with my advisor from my master's program, who has become a good friend now, and when she saw me as we met up for dinner she said, "Emiko why do you keep coming back?" and I just didn't have an answer for her. I have found it increasingly difficult to try to balance my two worlds of nonprofit stuff and my schooling in higher education. I have been attempting to create a link between the two, and I just don't think I should be doing that anymore. I have always felt like somewhat of an outsider when it comes to my perspective on the nonprofit sector. And for that reason, I don't fit well with many of the people at this conference - we have different priorities. And I've come to realize they're not my people. We're not interested in the same things. So, this morning instead of getting up and heading down town to attend the conference (and I'm sure attend one session after another where I question why I am here and even more so ask why they are not asking the same questions I am) I decided instead to go for a run. At least I'm in Chicago where I can enjoy myself in the Windy City, get some homework done, and maybe hit a museum before I head back home on Saturday.

Where the Intern Sits

Last Friday I waltzed into IR, where my assistantship is, like I do every Friday, and flicked on my computer to let it boot-up while I put my bag away, and hung my coat up and checked in with my supervisor. Last Friday, however, I flicked it, but nothing happened. So I pushed the button harder. Nothing. So I unplugged it, and plugged it back in, and jiggled everything. Nothing. After a few more tries I went down the hall to tell my supervisor. Then he emailed the IT guy and as I sat looking at US News magazines the IT guy came in and checked my computer, did the same things I did, and then declared, "the computer is toast." So the quest for another computer ensued. Unfortunately, that quest ended with the Intern Desk.

The weird refrigerator room where the undergrad intern sits, and my cushy yet cluttered office where I sat
for a couple of days until I got a new computer.

Inside the copy room, the microwave room, the mail room, or what I refer to as the "refrigerator room" sits a desk that is used by the undergrad intern. She is only there a few times a week, but I always find it slightly awkward when I go in to make copies, or stand in there for three minutes while my left-overs heat up for lunch. Friday I was that girl - sitting there while others heated up their lunches and stood awkwardly thumb-swiping their phones, or making copies, or just reaching into the room from the door to throw something away because the garbage is just inside the door. It's, weird.

Yesterday my computer was still not replaced, so instead of the refrigerator room, I got bumped to the empty office that belonged to the Director before she retired a couple of months ago. She was a bit of a pack-rat, so I squeezed myself behind the desk and started to work. I admit, it was much better than the intern desk. And it had a nice view from the 3rd floor. By the time I left today, I finally had a new computer and I can't wait to use it when I return next week. And I get two screens now!

Progress! Slowly.

P.S. Have I mentioned how much I love the
shape of our bathtub?

We are making progress on the bathroom! Well, Kevin is making much progress on the bathroom! I just take the pictures and offer design advice right now. It feels so good to be able to put things back together after spending so long taking things apart. Now that Kevin is home every weekend because he doesn't have to travel, and I don't have to take two showers a day because of running, we can spend more time on the bathroom remodel. Over the last week, we (and remember, this is the collective "we" but really it's pretty much Kevin) finished plumbing everything, furred out the wall, resealed the window area (some rot from previously poor construction work), put in a new and lovely marble ledge at the window, and started putting up concrete board. The walls are going back up people! I asked today if maybe we might have this done by the end of the year. The answer was, "mmmmmm maybe."

The new marble ledge on the window - we removed the entire window and resealed it, then put the ledge
in. It will go with a marble trim we bought for the walls and also a new threshold at the door.

#runningastherapy

This morning I went for my first run since completing my half marathon. All week I was looking forward to Sunday because I knew that I could take my time, and go wherever I wanted. Even when I woke up this morning I anticipated my run, and couldn't wait to get outside to see what it felt like to just go running, without having to clock a certain number of miles or be hard on myself for being too slow, or only going 3/4 of the distance I had planned. I was also excited to have a Sunday back, and not spend 3 hours preparing for, running, then cooling down from my training routine. Having to spend every Sunday doing that (and then trying to focus after I've completed 10 miles and do homework) was really getting in the way of a normal life lived. This morning, however, I got a taste of what it's like to be super fit and enjoy running. It was beautiful out. Almost all of the trees have dropped their leaves, and the sun was shining through the long sinewy branches of young oaks. Back in July I also started running without headphones; my attempt to try to use running as a way to calm my mind or let it spin around and then empty out. I have found that I am much happier running with just my breathing and my foot-fall. I like having my mind turn on low - and it's also become a way for me to think through ideas, and then those ideas dissolve to become quiet meditations. This morning I had the chance to have a meditation of running, and hold a space during the 5 miles I was out.

Scenes from my run: The community garden is putting up a new super high deer fence, I ran
around the pond just a few blocks from my house, and also discovered a newly built little
lending library in my neighborhood. Stopping to take pictures is a great way to enjoy a run.

Friendship in Academia

Yesterday I went to a faculty talk that was part of the HALE speaker series. The talk was given by one of the professors in my department, Dr. Leslie Gonzales. What made the talk interesting was her topic, which was the presence and purpose of relationships in academic careers. Most of the research that Dr. Gonzales focuses on is faculty, and I really liked the idea of investigating relationships and friendships that faculty form. While talking with her afterwards, we discussed that this research project (from her experience) sometimes might feel bizarre to others, and I responded, "Yes, because we want to know 'friendships in academia' to what end." And she nodded, reiterating that right now she is discovering the value, or see above, the presence of relationships, not about what they "get us."

Since moving to Lansing, certainly I miss and long for my friends who live in Seattle. I miss having such close proximity and ease in catching up. I could so easily make a lunch date with my sister-in-law (we worked in the same building!) or walk down to a friend's house who lived in my neighborhood. For a time, one of my dearest friends lived just below me, and even when she moved into her house, it was still close. Being here makes it harder to keep in touch, although we all still do. Also being here, however, has given me new friendships, and with some women I feel already quite close. I'm not a particularly open person; and by open I mean sure I will share bits about my life but I don't often attempt to forge new friendships or get real close with people. Yet I have found some beautiful and wonderful friends here, and listening to Dr. Gonzales' talk about relationships in academia reminded me how thankful I am to have the girlfriends I do, both near and far.

Unlocking the Brain

As I may have mentioned, this semester I am doing an independent study, which means I mostly work on my own and meet with my professor to check in about the work I am doing. I created my own syllabus and a reading schedule to reflect what I wanted to study, which is faculty. Several times I have commented to my friends that despite there being several faculty at MSU who are experts in the field of the academic profession, there are very few courses taught on this explicitly. Jim, my previous supervisor shared this sentiment with me, which is why I picked it up. I should add that Jim is one of the experts on faculty careers, and also influenced my interest in it. Since this has developed into an interest of mine, I tapped one of my professors to help me do this independent course, and it's been very exciting and also frustrating. The excitement is that I get to choose basically everything I want for the course with a little guidance. The frustration is that I do, as mentioned in a previous post, have a tendency to not commit to my research projects.

In my frustration (and also complete lack of confidence in my ability to do anything meaningful) I went to meet with my professor. Roger is, really, one of the nicest guys. I don't really know how to describe him except that he's incredibly nice, and I mean that in the truest most sincere way. He is friendly, welcoming, and encouraging. He also provides good feedback for me, however when he does it he usually gives a little sentence about "how he's just spitballing here." Kind of like giving a preface in a book to explain his explanation and intentions - he gives me a short preface before diving in. The other thing about Roger, is that he's brilliant. He is a wealth of knowledge, and that knowledge is just sitting up there in his brain. So when I went to meet with him, I just really wanted him to unlock his brain, and dump the contents all over the table. I really needed him to throw it all out there, no preface, and tell me what he really thinks I should do, because I was at a total loss. I had given him almost 20 pages of something that I was now convinced was complete crap and I needed a brainy guide to help me see an end; to help me commit. Maybe it was my expression of frustration, maybe that I came in completely lost in my project, or maybe I was just more receptive to the tidings he usually provides--whatever it was this time, the brain was unlocked and we found a way to sort through his ideas, connect them to mine, and get back on track.

Goals

I set a goal of running a half marathon about 5 months ago. Looking back, I realize I started running consistently way back in April, and it was with this post that I made my running into a public goal. Proudly, I can say that I accomplished that goal today. I was beside myself once I finally finished the race, and I felt so awesome and amazed that I actually did it. That I did what I said I would and what I set out to do.

So, the race. It was on a beautiful course in Clarkston, Michigan, which is about an hour from Lansing. One reason we chose this race was because it was mostly nearby, and because it was mostly on trails, not pavement. In addition, we got a long-sleeved "tech shirt," some mac and cheese when we finished the race, and a beer. How awesome! Although, we did have to deal with a terrible live band also at the finish line. My advice for next year would be "no live band." Overall I felt good, and was cruising along at a nice clip. Around mile 9 I started to slow down. I was tired. Then, at mile 10.5 until mile 12, I was angry. Literally angry. The reason for this anger? That mile and a half was filled with uphills and steep downhills, one after another - over and over again. I. Just. Couldn't. I was tiring. I heard myself cursing. I then heard in my head "your little training runs on flat paths did not prepare you for this." But I charged on. I ran a crazy slow 11th mile. (Note, uphills when this gal is so accustomed to the flatlands of mid-Michigan). Then I tried to pick up the pace again for the last mile. It was, uh, hard. But I did it. My goal was to finish in two hours ten minutes. I came close. If it weren't for those darn unexpected hills at the end I would have been right on schedule. I came in at two hours fifteen minutes. Tired, exhilarated, and ready for mac and cheese.

Rankings Rankings Rankings

For years prior to 2001, I have to look up variables by hand.
Best part? Magazine ads from 1999.

On every campus in the United States, there is an office (typically) called institutional research (IR). This is the office where I have my assistantship, and have been working there since April. Finally in September when the new semester started and I left the work I was doing with Jim, I hopped on for a full assistantship in IR. The majority of the work I do there is data collection and some analysis. Lately, I have been collecting data on the rankings for colleges and universities. These rankings come from the US News and World Report magazine, and I'm sure anyone who has looked into going to college has used this as a way to rank potential schools. I think I looked at this magazine when I was pursuing an undergraduate degree, but it may have been just to see where my institution fell in the rankings because I was pretty sure where I was going to go. (I confess here that my choice in school was completely based on my gut feeling). Despite the fact that many feel hostile towards college and university rankings, it is quite fascinating. There is so much information, and one school may be leagues apart from its ranking in US News to another ranking system. For me, this means though, that I spend hours looking for data, and organizing it into a spreadsheet that will eventually go into a database so we (my supervisor and I) can run statistical analysis on it. He's cooked up an idea about using a particular test, which is lightyears beyond my skill level. However, I do enjoy getting to have the hands on learning about quantitative methods because it makes it come to life so much better than classroom learning. Now I can finally see the beginning and the middle, and soon once we have all of the data, the end of all this work. The bonus, though, about collecting data, is that I have caught up on all of my podcasts from almost a year. Another bonus - Stand Up Desk. So I get to the office, I put my headphones in and listen to my podcasts, then scour for data, and put it in its place in my spreadsheet. I heart tidy activities.

Last Long Training Run

Scenes from my last long training run

Running is tiring. I went for my very last long training run on Sunday, and it was tiring. My race is next week. I'm nervous. But I'm pretty sure I'm ready. I ran 12 miles. TWELVE. And around mile 10 and a half, things started to get kind of ugly. It's when I heard myself talking out loud, saying things like "just relax into it!" or "breathe!" or "only three more miles, you can run three miles, easy." I did start panicking just a wee bit on Sunday. I had to really intentionally calm down, and just keep going (See, above, "just relax into it!"). What I am most impressed about is how strong I feel, and that my short little legs can carry me so far. One of best parts of my run on Sunday was running past a couple of guys (or, rather, middle-aged dudes) on two occasions. We past each other at around my mile two, and then I saw them again also coming the opposite direction and I was on mile 7. So they knew that I had a long way to go to get back to where I was. One guy leaned over to the other and as they approached me for the second time, I heard him say to his buddy, "She's putting miles in today" and I admit, it felt kind of awesome. Now, I just have five more days and I'll be running my half marathon.

Commitment Issues

I'm having commitment issues. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out why I feel frustrated, or why I feel tired all the time, or, like this entire weekend, why I feel like all of my ideas are stupid. I spent most of today at my assistantship, and then a couple of hours at my Bailey class, and intermittently spent time somewhat panicking about a paper I turned in last week. Then I came home, and jumped on my computer and tried to read as many articles as I could about what I intended to write my paper on. Yes, I turned in almost 20 pages last week on a topic that I don't really want to be writing about. And I figured out why I do this; I have commitment issues. I can't commit to a topic, so I write and write and write and then get to the point where I start designing the research and study and hear over and over again in my head, "this is the stupidest idea ever" so I change it. And then change it again. It can be tiring. I usually change it so it sits somewhat on the periphery of what I was writing about previously, but still, I change it. I'm meeting with my faculty member on Wednesday to discuss the paper I turned in, and I hope he doesn't hate me when I say, "well, so, I've been thinking..." and convince him that I have another idea. I did this to him a year ago and he sighed, and said, "well, Emiko, okay, but you need to have something turned in." I'm sure he'll say this again. And I came through last year and I'm sure I will again this year. I know it will get done. HOW, I'm not sure. But it will. *Sigh.

Bailey Update

Learning about Arab Culture, I grubbed on
some chicken and rice, and learned to
write my name in Arabic

I have passed the mid-way point for the semester. It just kind of happened. One way I could tell was because the students in the Bailey class that I convene were all commiserating about their mid-term exams. Good thing we don't have mid-term exams! I have been so impressed by the students in this class. They are intelligent, thoughtful, creative, funny, and super easy-going. Each class we rotate as a presenter, and that presenter provides a lesson on something they are passionate about or skillful in and then teach us about it. With that said, I've learned a lot! 

I learned about genealogy (as I mentioned before) and I have also learned about Arab culture, slam poetry, crocheting, and how to make Youtube videos and edit them. Tomorrow I present on grant writing - it is a skill I have that the students would like to know about, otherwise I might present on birding :) But I acquiesced and am doing grant-writing. Later in the semester I will be learning about records, debate, genetics, movie producing, and food culture. Awesome!

Small Town Wildlife

I am attempting to fill a new hashtag on Instagram, it is #smalltownwildlife. Right now most of the pictures are mine, and include mostly birds, and a little bunny I saw on campus (who was more interested in munching grass than moving away from me as I approached it for a picture). Another part of my small town wildlife catalogue includes the walks I take in my neighborhood. Although most of my "walks" right now include running, I do try to walk in the evening sometimes, especially since the fall is so nice and the leaves are so crunchy and the sun is so low. Soon a colder season will come, and with it, my inability to walk anywhere without fearing I will break my wrists. (I'm looking into Yaktrax). The other day we went for a little evening stroll, into the little pond park by our house. I really love it there.

Blogging - Journaling

The HALE department has two new faculty this year, both individuals I am extremely excited about. First, Dr. Kim who I was able to have lunch with when she was here visiting last spring, and who I squealed about when I heard that she was invited to join the HALE faculty at MSU. Dr. Kim does research in an area that I have no experience in, and likely won't do much in, yet she was incredibly encouraging when I met with her again at the beginning of the year. I stopped by her office to say hello and congrats on coming to MSU, and she of course, remembered having lunch with me and so we chatted about research interests, moving to Michigan, and my work in IR (Institutional Research). The woman makes me want to do research on financial aid. But I will resist. The other new faculty member, Dr. Gonzales, is someone who will be on my committee. Her area of expertise is right up my alley - faculty and organizations - and we've talked a couple of times already and I'm so inspired and excited to have her on our faculty.

Just last week I met with her to discuss some of the ideas that are rolling around in my head, and something that she offered as advice was journaling about my journey through qualitative research. I confessed to her that qualitative research has frightened me because it is just so.... personal. "I can't just pull a data set!" I said to her, and then I added "but the questions I'm asking are qualitative questions, focused on experience, understanding, perceptions... these, for me, can only be answered through personal interviews." So, journaling. While I was taking a qualitative class over the summer I did do some journaling, and also used my blog as a way to try to figure out what was rattling around in my head. I did save the blog from the somewhat existential crisis I had about qualitative research - and I will spare you from it here again - but I will confess that this may become somewhat of a platform for me to sort through my experience as a qualitative researcher (which feels weird to say) and get things in my mind into the world. Because sometimes the hinge on my brain into the world gets stuck shut. Hence, a blog to help oil it open.

A Year of Travel

When we moved to Lansing, we weren't exactly sure what the job market was going to be like. I expected it to be awful, but I'm sometimes a glass half empty kind of gal. Kevin was more optimistic. What ended up happening is that he took a part-time job at the local children's science museum to stay connected to the Lansing community, and then started working as a contracted employee for a national company that travels exhibits. That way he would work at the Lansing job, Impression 5, and also, you know, support me on my meager grad assistant wage by traveling. On the plus side, his traveling job provided great financial support! On the minus side, he was gone a lot. However, those traveling days are over! Having him away from home is exciting for the first 24 hours (I get the bed all to myself! I fling my coat onto the sofa and not hang it up! I eat chips and microwave burritos for dinner!) but then after that it's pretty awful. I tire of eating chips and microwave burritos and I sleep restlessly. I also end up flinging all of my coats and sweaters, and whatever else onto the sofa and then I can't find anything. Fortunately, he's back, and started at Impression 5 full time this week. Yay!

All of the states he visited, including Calgary and Sudbury, Canada. There was even a job in Kalamazoo!

The National City

An early morning run
through the Mall

I was in Washington DC (for the second time this year) on a policy trip for my doc program. To provide some context: There are five core/required courses for PhD students in the HALE program. The last class is education policy, and for that class, all of the students take a trip to Washington DC to visit with individuals who work in higher education policy. You might be asking, "How did Emiko make it to Washington DC on such a meager grad student salary?" Well, the College of Education pays for it. One of the perks of being at a large university with a reputable education program.

It was a tiring two days. We had back-to-back speakers talking about undocumented students, talking about budget appropriations, talking about student access and completion, talking about higher ed statistics, talking about how it's difficult to get an ear on the hill when it is in such disarray right now. I did have a little bit of time on the last afternoon to sneak in a walk to the MLK Memorial, but for the most part I was in a room with 18 others in my cohort listening, discussing, laughing, questioning about all things higher ed policy.

It Was Nicer Than I Thought

Over the last weekend I did a "practice comp." Without going into too much detail, it was a way for me to practice writing in a short amount of time, especially since I usually take my time and let things roll around in my brain for a while. I like to start with some ideas, create a little outline, maybe draw some pictures, then start writing. Then I'll do this a few more times and over the course of a few weeks and I'll have something worked out and then write a long paper. This time I had to do it in three days, which isn't the end of the world, but I did figure out the best way for me to do this. One thing that I learned through the process was that stepping away from my work is incredibly helpful. I basically mimicked what I usually do over the course of two or three weeks into a weekend. With that said, I did a nice long run on Sunday.

I'm getting to the point where I am able to enjoy my surroundings instead of just sucking in air and trying to make it through the length of my run. And what is so wonderful about it these days is that the leaves are changing, and as I've written about before, it is so freakin' beautiful here. I finally made it to a new spot on my run, down around a park called Hawk Island. So pretty! Indeed, the practice comp was nicer than I thought it would be, and my jog on Sunday morning to literally step away from it was even nicer.

Candy!

I had a day filled with candy, both literally and figuratively. First, I had my Bailey Scholars class, and we met in the library today because we were learning about genealogy. (And thanks mom for quickly texting me the middle names and birthdates of my ancestors because I forgot to ask over the weekend!) What a nice treat to be able to have free access to the website Ancestry, because if you are a student at MSU, you get free access! However, since my class was meeting in the library, I went to a classroom I had never gone to before, and it turns out there is an entire section of the library devoted to maps. Sweet! I love maps! I can't wait to visit this room again and pull out some maps and check out the geography. During class, my co-convener Dustin said, "I made candy this weekend, everyone gets some." So, voila, little jars of candy were passed around. I thought the day couldn't get any better, until I got home and there was a book against my door from the mail. I thought, "I don't remember ordering anything from Amazon lately..." then I saw that there was a custom's form stuck to it and Yay! The book that Jim and I wrote a chapter for arrived! What a super sweet day. For a Monday.

Zojirushi!

Many (many) years ago, I worked at a little store called Kitchen Kaboodle ("The KK", We help make your house a home) as a visual merchandiser. This is a Portland, OR store, with a few branches, and I was working at the downtown location putting some things together. I've always been a coffee drinker, and during that time, I used a stellar Nissan Thermos with a flip top to keep everything nice and hot on the go. The downtown location of The KK was notorious for having shoplifters, and I had set my Nissan on a shelf while I was re-arranging some dishes. Then, suddenly, a woman grabbed my coffee mug, a clerk screamed, "Drop it!" and a chase ensued. I was perplexed, because with my back turned, I didn't realize that it was MY mug the woman was stealing. Alas, I lost my travel thermos mug that day. Hopefully the thief dumped my coffee out before using it.

That was almost 10 years ago, and I never completely replaced that mug. Until now. I found the ultimate travel mug, and I use it every day. Each morning, we make an entire pot of coffee, each drink one cup at home, then fill up our travel mugs for our work/school. (Here I will call out that my loving partner commandeered my Nissan "bullet thermos" so I was left with finding something else). But after finding my new mug, I believe that I have the ultimate travel coffee container. Enter, The Zojirushi. I was familiar with this brand because of their rice cookers. One day I might own a Zojirushi rice cooker that plays music to me when the rice is done cooking. But for now, I own the best, and I mean THE BEST travel mug for hot beverages. I once left it at home (scandalous to forget coffee, I know!) and when I got home, it was still hot!! I love this thing. Best part, it doesn't leak! So when I throw it in my bike basket and it drops over on its side because I'm bumbling down the awful Michigan roads, all of the coffee stays put and nothing leaks. I have enough stains in my bag as it is and don't need more. Also,  *I was not paid to advertise for this mug. But seriously, if you're looking for something awesome that doesn't leak and keeps your coffee (or tea) hot all day, this is the one.

What They Say About the Goo is True

I'm pretty sure the countdown has begun. T minus 6 weeks until my half-marathon. (This also means that after November 8th I will no longer torture you with posts about running). I'm not obsessing over it or anything. Okay, maybe I am a little. But I admit it does give me something else to obsess over, and when I spread my obsessions out it seems to work better. Because being too obsessed about, say, school, makes me feel anxious, and then anxiety just makes me spiral into a black hole and question what I am doing. So, it's best just to obsess a little because then I take some of my obsessive behavior from one thing and kick it over to another. Another milestone was reached yesterday - ten miles! Double digits! You might be thinking, "Wasn't it kind of a while ago that she did nine? Why did it take her so long to increase by one tiny mile?" Well, I hit a funk. A running funk. I just couldn't get past it. Then I went running with my friend Heather and it really lifted my spirits. Then I just kept on kept-ing on and knew that I needed to bring it to ten. So I'm on schedule to get to thirteen because I usually increase by half a mile each week, or I just do two of the same then increase by a mile every two weeks. Either way, the run was great. I did some things before the run to help prepare:

1) I ate a very large banana
2) I chugged some EmergenC
3) I took two Aleve
4) I slipped a goo in my pocket

I'm not exactly sure what the goo is called, but I call it goo. It's gel energy, basically. Instant caffeine and sugar. I've never tried it, but I have felt myself starting to slip into a tired trot on other runs and so I thought I'd try the goo. What they say about the goo is true. That it will give you "2X ENERGY!!' At almost 8 miles, I sucked down half of one of those goos and not even half a mile later I felt like a wood sprite, flittering around the trail. Then, bam, I was done. Ten miles, yo!

What We Are Built To Do (Part 2)

I have been reflecting a lot about being here in Lansing, and transitioning to my second year as a PhD student. It has been over a year now that we've been here, and one of the thoughts I've had the most is that if this were a job I took, I'd be starting to look for another one. I used to joke about my 14-18 month itch, that after a time at any job, I'd start to get antsy and start cruising the job postings. Or I'd daydream more and more about finding a nice quiet job in the country. Then eventually, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore and I'd actually find another job. Between 2009 and 2014 I worked at four different nonprofit organizations. I was the poster-girl for nonprofit churn.

Where I build things

Even before I became the poster girl for churn I already was starting this habit. I think it's normal for most people in their 20s to have several different jobs. But I remember many of my peers started to settle in as we closed in on our 30s and then by our early 30s they seemed to have landed on something. I thought I did, until I realized that I was extremely unhappy. I try not to regret the job jumping and hunting I did for so long, and try to remember that all of that professional experience really did help me to get here. I admit that I do wish sometimes I had gotten to this point sooner, but then I think that there would be a possibility that I would have treated this like just another jobby-job and would have jumped. Maybe now that I'm closing in on my 40s is the only time I could have finally stayed put in something.  So I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that some of the potential future faculty positions I will be looking for once I finish will insist on me having certain experience in the field. I can happily say I have lots of that.

So here I've been for 14 months, right about the time that I should be getting antsy and start looking for job postings. Right when I would start daydreaming about finding a nice little job in the country. Right about the time when I would start to get so anxious about what I was doing with my life that the only remedy was to find another job to give me stimulation and distraction from those anxious feelings. Yet, I don't have any desire to leave. I don't really have to go looking for stimulation because I am constantly being challenged, I'm learning, and I'm getting to explore so many new ideas and let them play out through my writing. Right now, this is what I am built to do.

Here is my post about what we are built to do from back in January.

Little By Little

We turned a major corner this weekend on the bathroom remodel. Actually, Kevin did all the work while I did homework. I did help put the tub back in place, but that didn't take very long. Without saying too much more now, I'll provide here a photo collage with commentary of what went down:

Getting ready to move the tub. Moving the tub. Looking at the where the tub was.

Anyway, as I alluded to, we (I use the universal we here) lifted the tub out, and then replaced all the rotting subfloor that was underneath it. Our friend Jason came over to help, which was a huge plus.

There are some things I didn't want to know about my house. But I found them out when we moved the tub and undid the plumbing. And then I cleaned 65 years worth of disgusting from inside our pipes.

Here is the floor at the drain end of the tub. You can see where it is all rotted out, not to mention weird insulation that was placed underneath the tub. Pretty crumbly, and dusty and well, just overall gross.

Removing old floor and prepping for new floor

Here's where we put the tub while working on the floor -- and... New Floor! (well, sub-floor, but so important!

Running Funk Gets a Lift

We had to stop and take a running selfie

I've been in a little bit of a running funk lately, like I've lost my mojo for it. It could be the week after week of the same schedule, and feeling a little like I've plateaued. I am still forcing myself to run, however, because I realized today that the goal is drawing nearer a lot faster than I expected. I keep thinking I have two months left until the 1/2 marathon, but nope, it's just about a month away. Yikes! I know I'll be fine (I think??) but sometimes my central governor gets the best of me. (If you haven't heard of the central governor, take a listen to this RadioLab podcast, start it around 11:30 minutes). This morning, however, I went for a run with my friend Heather. She is a bonafide runner, someone who has been running for a long time, has done marathons, and said to a group of us once, "If I don't go running, bad things happen" which is code for running adds the sanity and balance into life. There are days when I am running and I feel awesome. Lately, I haven't been feeling awesome. Today, however, I felt awesome. It could have been that Heather and I were gabbing away, still maintaining a steady pace. Or that we stumbled upon an actual race that was happening and took some of their water. Or the scenery helped us make it just past 7 miles. Whatever it was, I was very happy to feel really good again about running, and having Heather as a friend to share this with me this morning was the icing on top of the cake. (Mmmmm cake).

A $200+ Book

Last fall, my supervisor for my assistantship and I worked together on writing a chapter for a book. It was an incredibly interesting process for me, having never written with someone else on an academic level. I've written a lot of grants with people, and I totally have that down, but writing a book chapter?? Especially on a subject matter I know nothing about? Jim and I started by talking and talking and talking. I'm not completely sure if he intuited that I am an auditory learner, or if he just prefers talking through ideas, but whatever the case, it worked for me. I remember many times meeting with him over coffee to talk about how we were going to tackle this. And then I had to start writing. After only knowing him a couple of months I had to send him an email saying that I wrote a lot but basically I think it's crap and I've been overthinking the entire thing. He responded with a "you're doing great" and "you're not the only one to over-think these things." Who knew academia could also be kind and forgiving? When Jim added in his sections, I then took it back and started copy editing. And as I read it I remember thinking, "these words sound familiar..." which means that a lot of what I wrote didn't completely get deleted! He kept it in, which was very exciting for me. (Unlike what I would do sometimes with grants, delete and rewrite). I learned a lot about international higher education through this process, and I'm very excited to share that the book has been published. And it's really expensive. Must be a Euro thing. Here's the website for the publisher and the book details so you can see what exactly we did.

Brown Rice

Brown rice. I eat it now.

Growing up I ate rice almost every day. It was the side dish I could rely on. Say we were having chili for dinner. White rice wasn't just on the side, the chili was spooned on top of it. Or let's say we were having some kind of chicken dish, with vegetables. White rice on the side. Better yet, a roast with potatoes. White rice on the side. There were rare moments that I did not eat rice at dinner. When I went to college my mom gave me a rice cooker. Receiving a rice cooker as a gift from your mother is a shared experience of many of my Asian friends. What I didn't know about rice until I got to college, however, is that it also came in brown. I know! You might be laughing. But really, my only touchpoint for rice was white sticky rice. Bought in 20 or 50 pound bags. I will admit that one time I was spending the night at my friend's house when I was in middle school, and during dinner there was rice. I remember thinking, "Oh! something familiar!" and I kept a lookout for the shoyu (that would be soy sauce). But the shoyu never arrived at the table, and in its place was a pat of butter and salt. I was obviously perplexed. Also, the rice kind of slipped around on itself. Not sticky at all. And it came from a box!!

So, enter my undergrad experience and I'm walking through the cafeteria line and there it is. A big cooked bin of brown rice. And I think, "does it taste different? Looks unnatural." Again, I know! So weird. I have to laugh about this now. These days I have to sneak in my white rice every once in a while because apparently brown rice is better for you (and more natural?). And we pretty much only buy brown rice these days. Even though it takes like, an extra 25 minutes to cook. But every once in a while I can make the case for white rice and oh, I am so happy to gobble it up with just a drop or two of shoyu and some nori.

Group Work (Blech)

I learned something new last week about my core classes. My professor for my policy class shared with my cohort that the syllabus for our class was part of an already established set of instructions, activities, and learning outcomes that she was not a part in creating. That she was not a part of its creation is obvious since she joined the HALE faculty in 2013 (I think it was 2013). What struck me, however, was the detail of how certain lessons needed to be designed. The specific example of this is group work. Apparently there were a certain number of "group work" assignments for my core classes. I pretty much cringe when I see group work on a syllabus. I start to get a little tightening in my chest and I have a hard time breathing when I think about writing as a group. Fortunately, I have been quite lucky the last year to be in a group with some pretty good people. It does make group work somewhat less painful, but still it falls into the category of most hated things. Also fortunately, my professor for my policy class shares this certain distaste for group work. So she's devised a brilliant way to adhere to the group work assignment and still make it somewhat independent work. So, as she went through the syllabus and I saw group work, and then she unpacked the assignment, my breathing became more even, and my fists unclenched. If I'm going to write a crappy paper, I'd rather just know that I was the only one who wrote it. Unfortunately, I am taking a course in a completely different college (Human Resources and Labor Relations) and this course also requires a group work project. We had a meeting today to discuss our project presentation, and the only thing I can say is that I can't wait for it to be over.

PWE

Hi! I'm a 1998 Ford Ranger!

I learned to drive on a small Toyota truck. It was light blue, and was the most stripped down model you could buy with a four speed manual transmission and no overdrive. It only had one rearview mirror on the driver's side. With this truck I learned the art of the clutch, and am surprised that my mom (who did most of my driver's education while holding on tightly to the passenger door and leaning into the center of the car) lived through this experience. I remember one time my dad and I drove to downtown Portland and parked the truck on the street. I don't remember why we were there, but I do remember on the way back to find the truck we couldn't remember what street we had parked it on. That's when my dad jokingly said, "Pee-wee where are you? We lost you!" And I laughed, and then realized why my dad said that once we found the truck: the license plate started with PWE. Thereafter, the little blue truck was Peewee. I will admit here, that I love driving a truck. Maybe it's just the nostalgia I have for having learned to drive on one. I also have nostalgia for Volkswagen Vanagons for a similar reason. I also learned to be a better driver with a Vanagon because there's nothing like driving a barn door with a gear shift that is two and a half feet long to give you a lesson on space. I digress. So yes, I love driving a truck.

Making the second dump-run

As Kevin and I tear out our bathroom (and scheme about the kitchen remodel) we have come to realize that a truck would be a really nice thing to have. Especially considering that we had a pile of rubble sitting under our carport for over two weeks. And we had to buy plywood and sheetrock. So... we got a truck. Bought a truck. And now I have to admit that this is the first American made car I have ever owned. It's an old truck, and it was a fairly cheap truck. But it has so far done the job and it feels really great to be driving a truck around. (And if you're wondering, yes, we still have the Honda. We are a two car family, which I have mixed feelings about but whatever, I live in the Midwest now and I guess that's just how we do it here).