Round Two: A Long Post on Beginning My Second Semester

This morning is quiet, like most mornings here in Lansing. The snow is shoveled to the side of streets and sidewalks, and every so often I hear the crunch of a passerby walking to the bus stop, or a car silently slushing through the snow on my street. In about an hour, the neighborhood will fully wake up with cars skiing down Francis Avenue, the garbage trucks picking up trash because it's Tuesday, garbage day, and even birds starting to sing a winter song. I'm relishing this last morning of my break between semesters. I am also anxious for the next semester to begin. I may have mentioned before that the second semester of this program is by far the most stressful. This knowledge gets passed down to first years from those students who are further along in the program. The further along students are also extremely encouraging, and remind us first years to take care of ourselves "even though I didn't, you should really try to carve out time for yourself." I've heard this multiple times, and I will try to do so, though I can't promise anything.

My books for this semester

This semester, I continue my long Tuesday classes. Back to back classes that go from 3pm to 10pm with an hour between for dinner. That means today, I start the semester off with a bang. A few of my other cohort-mates who are taking a third class started yesterday. I have my third class on Thursdays this semester. It is a class that has been causing me a lot of anguish: statistical methods part two. This is actually a class I don't have to take. You see, I've already completed my required course in statistics. However, with the encouragement of my advisor, I am taking the next class in the sequence. My advisor and I decided that taking this class would be good for me, "like eating vegetables." I may not want to, but it will mean that I can run serious statistical analysis in the event that I ever do research that requires me to do so. Yet I am so full of fear about this class, especially knowing that my other two required classes are likely going to lay waste to me. I'm not particularly good at statistics. Although I have a baseline of intellect to get me through my academic career and other pursuits, many of my achievements have not come easily. In other words, over the years I have found that how I learn and understand is through hard work because I am not a natural intellect. I'm a natural thinker, which means I have to puzzle over things for quite some time in order to understand.

I am slightly afraid of what this semester will bring. I'm afraid of failing, of being overwhelmed, of not understanding what I'm supposed to be learning, and of the breakdown that I'm sure will come when I question why I am doing this and what is this God forsaken land the locals call Michigan?!? Between these swells of fear I am also motivated because I really want to make it through this semester. I have never wanted this much to be successful at something, and by "this" I mean my entire scholastic pursuit. My emotional, physical, and spiritual investment in this is coupled with these feelings of fear. Maybe therein lies the moments of trusting the process, tucked neatly between my perseverance and my fears.