Thankful Giving

Empty Plate, Full Heart

Kevin and I went to Joliet, Illinois again this year for Thanksgiving. Last year, as new Midwesterners, we were invited to spend the holiday with our friend and her family. She grew up near Joliet, and much of her extended family lives in the area. Like last year, there were almost 50 people there for Thanksgiving dinner. And like last year, the festivities kicked off on Wednesday night with a dinner at Merishka's, a local restaurant that serves up butterine filled chicken and beef poor boy sandwiches. Mmmm fried food. We needed that fuel on Wednesday evening because of the family walk and run down a trail through the woods that follows a little river. This year, with my new found rhythm in running, I was able to be one of the runners of the group and did almost 5 miles. Nothing like starting Thanksgiving Day with a run! (Mostly because then I can somehow justify gorging for the rest of the day). I am so thankful to have this extended family to visit during such a family centered holiday. Washington state is too far to travel for a short-long weekend, and having my friend and her lovely family welcome us in two years now, and I know for the future of our time here in the Midwest is so heartwarming.

Hygge

Given the recent snow, I was surprised that my train ride back to Lansing from Chicago was only an hour behind schedule. And that was due to a frozen switch not even outside the Chicago city limits. With this first snow, my heart did melt a little (or maybe it froze?) because I wasn't internally prepared for this yet. I just couldn't really accept that snow was going to fall here and it might keep on falling until, well, I don't know, maybe April? (heart turned into a pool of water just then). I was reminded, however, that last year we got a little snow and it melted, then we were snow free for about a month. Then it came again right at the end of December and stayed until, well, maybe April? Or maybe it was March.

So while I was in Chicago (not enjoying the conference and deciding to play hooky) my friend from Seattle and former master's advisor shared with me the concept of hygge. It can't really be translated into the English because we don't normally live with 17 hours of darkness apart from Alaska. But it refers to the concept of coziness, togetherness, warmth, community, companionship, etc. I will also add hot cocoa, fuzzy socks, wood stoves, staying in all day and watching back-to-back episodes of Law & Order, and sharing hot soup with a neighbor. Basically, finding joy during dark freezing temperatures. Yes, this is my new mantra for this winter season (even though winter doesn't officially start for another month). I vow to invite hygge into my cold Midwest winter and stir it into my eggnog.

At Least I'm in Chicago

In spring 2013, I went to a very large conference in San Diego call the International Association of Fundraising Professionals Conference (AFP). I went because I was writing grants at the time, and so wrote a professional development grant for myself to go. I confess, part of why I went was because I wanted to go to San Diego. This was all before I started applying to go back to school, or even putting that thought into my mind. I remember the first morning I was in SD. I walked out of my luxury hotel on the waterfront, I took a stroll down the water and breathed in the air. It was of course, beautiful - it was some time in April I believe. Then I went into the enormous San Diego conference center and was swallowed up by 6,000 people. All fundraisers. All crazy. I went to the first session, and all I could think about was, "this is not for me." So then I went to a second session, and I thought, "why am I here?" and finally a third, and thought, "I must get out of here." So I went for another long walk down the waterfront, and thought about what I was doing. It was then I decided to use this time to take care of my own interests and face the fact that I was not a part of this community. People who attend fundraising conferences, for the most part, are not my people. I did attend most of the following days proceedings (because I was on a grant) but I did skip out on the afternoon of the last day and went to the zoo.

The view from the lake shore trail on my run this morning

Just this last Wednesday, I arrived in Chicago to attend another conference, ARNOVA, which is too long an acronym to describe so I'll just say it's for nonprofit academics and practitioners. And, well, after my first session, I thought, "I don't think this is for me" and I admit I was extremely board. Then I carried on and went to a second session, and thought "why am I here?" and I really tried to find a reason. Then I went to a third, and a fourth, and kept thinking, "I must get out of here." I had plans to meet with my advisor from my master's program, who has become a good friend now, and when she saw me as we met up for dinner she said, "Emiko why do you keep coming back?" and I just didn't have an answer for her. I have found it increasingly difficult to try to balance my two worlds of nonprofit stuff and my schooling in higher education. I have been attempting to create a link between the two, and I just don't think I should be doing that anymore. I have always felt like somewhat of an outsider when it comes to my perspective on the nonprofit sector. And for that reason, I don't fit well with many of the people at this conference - we have different priorities. And I've come to realize they're not my people. We're not interested in the same things. So, this morning instead of getting up and heading down town to attend the conference (and I'm sure attend one session after another where I question why I am here and even more so ask why they are not asking the same questions I am) I decided instead to go for a run. At least I'm in Chicago where I can enjoy myself in the Windy City, get some homework done, and maybe hit a museum before I head back home on Saturday.

Where the Intern Sits

Last Friday I waltzed into IR, where my assistantship is, like I do every Friday, and flicked on my computer to let it boot-up while I put my bag away, and hung my coat up and checked in with my supervisor. Last Friday, however, I flicked it, but nothing happened. So I pushed the button harder. Nothing. So I unplugged it, and plugged it back in, and jiggled everything. Nothing. After a few more tries I went down the hall to tell my supervisor. Then he emailed the IT guy and as I sat looking at US News magazines the IT guy came in and checked my computer, did the same things I did, and then declared, "the computer is toast." So the quest for another computer ensued. Unfortunately, that quest ended with the Intern Desk.

The weird refrigerator room where the undergrad intern sits, and my cushy yet cluttered office where I sat
for a couple of days until I got a new computer.

Inside the copy room, the microwave room, the mail room, or what I refer to as the "refrigerator room" sits a desk that is used by the undergrad intern. She is only there a few times a week, but I always find it slightly awkward when I go in to make copies, or stand in there for three minutes while my left-overs heat up for lunch. Friday I was that girl - sitting there while others heated up their lunches and stood awkwardly thumb-swiping their phones, or making copies, or just reaching into the room from the door to throw something away because the garbage is just inside the door. It's, weird.

Yesterday my computer was still not replaced, so instead of the refrigerator room, I got bumped to the empty office that belonged to the Director before she retired a couple of months ago. She was a bit of a pack-rat, so I squeezed myself behind the desk and started to work. I admit, it was much better than the intern desk. And it had a nice view from the 3rd floor. By the time I left today, I finally had a new computer and I can't wait to use it when I return next week. And I get two screens now!

Progress! Slowly.

P.S. Have I mentioned how much I love the
shape of our bathtub?

We are making progress on the bathroom! Well, Kevin is making much progress on the bathroom! I just take the pictures and offer design advice right now. It feels so good to be able to put things back together after spending so long taking things apart. Now that Kevin is home every weekend because he doesn't have to travel, and I don't have to take two showers a day because of running, we can spend more time on the bathroom remodel. Over the last week, we (and remember, this is the collective "we" but really it's pretty much Kevin) finished plumbing everything, furred out the wall, resealed the window area (some rot from previously poor construction work), put in a new and lovely marble ledge at the window, and started putting up concrete board. The walls are going back up people! I asked today if maybe we might have this done by the end of the year. The answer was, "mmmmmm maybe."

The new marble ledge on the window - we removed the entire window and resealed it, then put the ledge
in. It will go with a marble trim we bought for the walls and also a new threshold at the door.

#runningastherapy

This morning I went for my first run since completing my half marathon. All week I was looking forward to Sunday because I knew that I could take my time, and go wherever I wanted. Even when I woke up this morning I anticipated my run, and couldn't wait to get outside to see what it felt like to just go running, without having to clock a certain number of miles or be hard on myself for being too slow, or only going 3/4 of the distance I had planned. I was also excited to have a Sunday back, and not spend 3 hours preparing for, running, then cooling down from my training routine. Having to spend every Sunday doing that (and then trying to focus after I've completed 10 miles and do homework) was really getting in the way of a normal life lived. This morning, however, I got a taste of what it's like to be super fit and enjoy running. It was beautiful out. Almost all of the trees have dropped their leaves, and the sun was shining through the long sinewy branches of young oaks. Back in July I also started running without headphones; my attempt to try to use running as a way to calm my mind or let it spin around and then empty out. I have found that I am much happier running with just my breathing and my foot-fall. I like having my mind turn on low - and it's also become a way for me to think through ideas, and then those ideas dissolve to become quiet meditations. This morning I had the chance to have a meditation of running, and hold a space during the 5 miles I was out.

Scenes from my run: The community garden is putting up a new super high deer fence, I ran
around the pond just a few blocks from my house, and also discovered a newly built little
lending library in my neighborhood. Stopping to take pictures is a great way to enjoy a run.

Friendship in Academia

Yesterday I went to a faculty talk that was part of the HALE speaker series. The talk was given by one of the professors in my department, Dr. Leslie Gonzales. What made the talk interesting was her topic, which was the presence and purpose of relationships in academic careers. Most of the research that Dr. Gonzales focuses on is faculty, and I really liked the idea of investigating relationships and friendships that faculty form. While talking with her afterwards, we discussed that this research project (from her experience) sometimes might feel bizarre to others, and I responded, "Yes, because we want to know 'friendships in academia' to what end." And she nodded, reiterating that right now she is discovering the value, or see above, the presence of relationships, not about what they "get us."

Since moving to Lansing, certainly I miss and long for my friends who live in Seattle. I miss having such close proximity and ease in catching up. I could so easily make a lunch date with my sister-in-law (we worked in the same building!) or walk down to a friend's house who lived in my neighborhood. For a time, one of my dearest friends lived just below me, and even when she moved into her house, it was still close. Being here makes it harder to keep in touch, although we all still do. Also being here, however, has given me new friendships, and with some women I feel already quite close. I'm not a particularly open person; and by open I mean sure I will share bits about my life but I don't often attempt to forge new friendships or get real close with people. Yet I have found some beautiful and wonderful friends here, and listening to Dr. Gonzales' talk about relationships in academia reminded me how thankful I am to have the girlfriends I do, both near and far.

Unlocking the Brain

As I may have mentioned, this semester I am doing an independent study, which means I mostly work on my own and meet with my professor to check in about the work I am doing. I created my own syllabus and a reading schedule to reflect what I wanted to study, which is faculty. Several times I have commented to my friends that despite there being several faculty at MSU who are experts in the field of the academic profession, there are very few courses taught on this explicitly. Jim, my previous supervisor shared this sentiment with me, which is why I picked it up. I should add that Jim is one of the experts on faculty careers, and also influenced my interest in it. Since this has developed into an interest of mine, I tapped one of my professors to help me do this independent course, and it's been very exciting and also frustrating. The excitement is that I get to choose basically everything I want for the course with a little guidance. The frustration is that I do, as mentioned in a previous post, have a tendency to not commit to my research projects.

In my frustration (and also complete lack of confidence in my ability to do anything meaningful) I went to meet with my professor. Roger is, really, one of the nicest guys. I don't really know how to describe him except that he's incredibly nice, and I mean that in the truest most sincere way. He is friendly, welcoming, and encouraging. He also provides good feedback for me, however when he does it he usually gives a little sentence about "how he's just spitballing here." Kind of like giving a preface in a book to explain his explanation and intentions - he gives me a short preface before diving in. The other thing about Roger, is that he's brilliant. He is a wealth of knowledge, and that knowledge is just sitting up there in his brain. So when I went to meet with him, I just really wanted him to unlock his brain, and dump the contents all over the table. I really needed him to throw it all out there, no preface, and tell me what he really thinks I should do, because I was at a total loss. I had given him almost 20 pages of something that I was now convinced was complete crap and I needed a brainy guide to help me see an end; to help me commit. Maybe it was my expression of frustration, maybe that I came in completely lost in my project, or maybe I was just more receptive to the tidings he usually provides--whatever it was this time, the brain was unlocked and we found a way to sort through his ideas, connect them to mine, and get back on track.

Goals

I set a goal of running a half marathon about 5 months ago. Looking back, I realize I started running consistently way back in April, and it was with this post that I made my running into a public goal. Proudly, I can say that I accomplished that goal today. I was beside myself once I finally finished the race, and I felt so awesome and amazed that I actually did it. That I did what I said I would and what I set out to do.

So, the race. It was on a beautiful course in Clarkston, Michigan, which is about an hour from Lansing. One reason we chose this race was because it was mostly nearby, and because it was mostly on trails, not pavement. In addition, we got a long-sleeved "tech shirt," some mac and cheese when we finished the race, and a beer. How awesome! Although, we did have to deal with a terrible live band also at the finish line. My advice for next year would be "no live band." Overall I felt good, and was cruising along at a nice clip. Around mile 9 I started to slow down. I was tired. Then, at mile 10.5 until mile 12, I was angry. Literally angry. The reason for this anger? That mile and a half was filled with uphills and steep downhills, one after another - over and over again. I. Just. Couldn't. I was tiring. I heard myself cursing. I then heard in my head "your little training runs on flat paths did not prepare you for this." But I charged on. I ran a crazy slow 11th mile. (Note, uphills when this gal is so accustomed to the flatlands of mid-Michigan). Then I tried to pick up the pace again for the last mile. It was, uh, hard. But I did it. My goal was to finish in two hours ten minutes. I came close. If it weren't for those darn unexpected hills at the end I would have been right on schedule. I came in at two hours fifteen minutes. Tired, exhilarated, and ready for mac and cheese.

Rankings Rankings Rankings

For years prior to 2001, I have to look up variables by hand.
Best part? Magazine ads from 1999.

On every campus in the United States, there is an office (typically) called institutional research (IR). This is the office where I have my assistantship, and have been working there since April. Finally in September when the new semester started and I left the work I was doing with Jim, I hopped on for a full assistantship in IR. The majority of the work I do there is data collection and some analysis. Lately, I have been collecting data on the rankings for colleges and universities. These rankings come from the US News and World Report magazine, and I'm sure anyone who has looked into going to college has used this as a way to rank potential schools. I think I looked at this magazine when I was pursuing an undergraduate degree, but it may have been just to see where my institution fell in the rankings because I was pretty sure where I was going to go. (I confess here that my choice in school was completely based on my gut feeling). Despite the fact that many feel hostile towards college and university rankings, it is quite fascinating. There is so much information, and one school may be leagues apart from its ranking in US News to another ranking system. For me, this means though, that I spend hours looking for data, and organizing it into a spreadsheet that will eventually go into a database so we (my supervisor and I) can run statistical analysis on it. He's cooked up an idea about using a particular test, which is lightyears beyond my skill level. However, I do enjoy getting to have the hands on learning about quantitative methods because it makes it come to life so much better than classroom learning. Now I can finally see the beginning and the middle, and soon once we have all of the data, the end of all this work. The bonus, though, about collecting data, is that I have caught up on all of my podcasts from almost a year. Another bonus - Stand Up Desk. So I get to the office, I put my headphones in and listen to my podcasts, then scour for data, and put it in its place in my spreadsheet. I heart tidy activities.

Last Long Training Run

Scenes from my last long training run

Running is tiring. I went for my very last long training run on Sunday, and it was tiring. My race is next week. I'm nervous. But I'm pretty sure I'm ready. I ran 12 miles. TWELVE. And around mile 10 and a half, things started to get kind of ugly. It's when I heard myself talking out loud, saying things like "just relax into it!" or "breathe!" or "only three more miles, you can run three miles, easy." I did start panicking just a wee bit on Sunday. I had to really intentionally calm down, and just keep going (See, above, "just relax into it!"). What I am most impressed about is how strong I feel, and that my short little legs can carry me so far. One of best parts of my run on Sunday was running past a couple of guys (or, rather, middle-aged dudes) on two occasions. We past each other at around my mile two, and then I saw them again also coming the opposite direction and I was on mile 7. So they knew that I had a long way to go to get back to where I was. One guy leaned over to the other and as they approached me for the second time, I heard him say to his buddy, "She's putting miles in today" and I admit, it felt kind of awesome. Now, I just have five more days and I'll be running my half marathon.

Commitment Issues

I'm having commitment issues. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out why I feel frustrated, or why I feel tired all the time, or, like this entire weekend, why I feel like all of my ideas are stupid. I spent most of today at my assistantship, and then a couple of hours at my Bailey class, and intermittently spent time somewhat panicking about a paper I turned in last week. Then I came home, and jumped on my computer and tried to read as many articles as I could about what I intended to write my paper on. Yes, I turned in almost 20 pages last week on a topic that I don't really want to be writing about. And I figured out why I do this; I have commitment issues. I can't commit to a topic, so I write and write and write and then get to the point where I start designing the research and study and hear over and over again in my head, "this is the stupidest idea ever" so I change it. And then change it again. It can be tiring. I usually change it so it sits somewhat on the periphery of what I was writing about previously, but still, I change it. I'm meeting with my faculty member on Wednesday to discuss the paper I turned in, and I hope he doesn't hate me when I say, "well, so, I've been thinking..." and convince him that I have another idea. I did this to him a year ago and he sighed, and said, "well, Emiko, okay, but you need to have something turned in." I'm sure he'll say this again. And I came through last year and I'm sure I will again this year. I know it will get done. HOW, I'm not sure. But it will. *Sigh.