The Imposter

There is a term that many graduate students throw around called Imposter Syndrome. Yet I think, for the most part, we use this term incorrectly (kind of like "intersectionality" but I won't go there right now). Basically, when we talk about imposter syndrome, we usually mean we feel like we don't belong, like we're going to be exposed as frauds, that actually we aren't smart enough to be in grad school. Yet there is an important component to imposter syndrome, which is the inability to internalize our accomplishments. Because to feel like an imposter also means one has to be incredibly accomplished because for some stupid reason she can't believe she is really that amazing.

I've written about this before, and this little syndrome monster rears its head every once in a while. However a couple of weeks ago this little monster came on strong and unforgiving. I am working on applying for some dissertation fellowships, and as I was working through writing the narrative for one of them I just started freaking out. I've been working in a vacuum for the entire summer, and not talking to really anybody. Talking with Miriam about my ideas is great, yes, but she doesn't give me much in the way of intellectual conversation (although her smiles are darn encouraging). So I've been working away, alone, and re-writing large portions of my dissertation proposal, and also cutting it down to 10 pages that makes a coherent argument for why I deserve a bunch of money, and I just flipped. The slow creep of the imposter monster was upon me, and I got up from the cafe table I was at and walked around the parking lot breathing heavily. Then I phoned a friend. Then I sent an email to my advisor telling him I was freaking out.

I don't want to make light of this, because it is very real. I often feel that I have to work harder to prove myself, this could be my own doing, or it could be that there are few women in academia so any number of us has to be better than someone else. (I saw a perfect headline this morning that said, "Uber's search for a women CEO gets narrowed down to 3 men.") So I look and compare myself to my peers, men and women, and I flail. And I don't believe those around me who tell me I'm doing good work, important work.

So that was a couple of weeks ago. I'm still dealing. But I have at least made some good progress on my fellowship applications as well as gained more confidence in what I'm writing about. It's hard. It's hard to write about women in academia (why did I choose this topic for my dissertation?!?!?) and this all gets squeezed by my sleep deprivation.

So here it all is. Imposter Monster, Sleep Deprivation, Grad School Stressing. For now I've got some good water wings, and soon I'll be swimming again on my own. But darn that Imposter Monster, it's the worst.

It's 8:23pm on a Tuesday

Well, here I am. Four months after my last blog post. Its 8:23pm on a Tuesday and the dishwasher is humming, the drying is going, and Kevin is... in the bedroom with a 3 and a 1/2 month old baby.

I won't go into the details, except to say that life is different. I'll save the sobs about how newborns can't do anything. Like really CAN'T DO ANYTHING (eat, poop, pee, burp, digest, sleep, smile, etc). Oh wait, I take that back, they can cry. And they can root around for milk. But other than that, really, uh, nothing else comes to mind. And I'm not harshing on my little baby, because she's absolutely the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing, smiley, crying, fussy, over-tired sometimes, bright-eyed, curious infant I have every known. (I won't divulge my sample size on knowing infants). But seriously, she's amazing and I mean that totally objectively of course (can you hear my whispering "she's advanced for her age"?). But having a baby is hard. Turning 40 two months after you have a baby is hard. Trying to make revisions on a dissertation proposal with a baby after turning 40 is hard. But it's also one of the most miraculous events in my life. I'll spare the gritty details, and just post a bunch of baby pictures for now*. Later I'll write about my meltdown with imposter syndrome and my revisions to my dissertation (fun times!)

*This post is for you, Bev.

Here's my chunky monkey at 3 months!

First time with a cloth diaper (and mesmerized by the ceiling fan)

Visiting with her NEW BEST FRIEND Petra who came to see us from Seattle

An Almost Finished Kitchen

We are closing in on the kitchen. So close. There are a few more things left to finish, and most of them do not impact the functionality of the kitchen. Well, there is the backsplash against one wall that has yet to be grouted, and that does really need to happen soon. Oh, and the trim under the cabinets would help with function so that things don't get lost in the underbelly of cabinets. But the painting, it's okay if that doesn't happen. And the hood that goes over the stove, does one really need a stove vent? We have the vent, it's just in a box in the basement. Because we literally, as of today, LITERALLY have 3 and a half weeks until Baby B arrives. And frankly, she could come any day, really, she decides. So, yeah, just trying to put the finishing touches on.

Now let me gush about what we have done in the kitchen, because we've done a lot. We knocked a wall down, we put new flooring in, we rehabilitated the wood floors that had been trapped under cheap floor tile, we got all new cabinets, we put new tile in for a backsplash, we got a dishwasher (which I say almost every day that I love and am so thankful for), we put in lights over the sink area, we finally removed all the eighties chandeliers, we up-cycled a bookcase into what we call a shelf and shoe, and we increased the storage in the kitchen even though we removed a wall of cabinets. Woohoo! Here are some pics.

Backsplash, and a view into the kitchen from the living room.

This is our "shelf and shoe." It's from an old bookcase we've had and we put it on the backside of
the cabinets by the front door so we can put our shoes there, and also any other random things
that get dumped when you come into the house. Perhaps a stroller will find a new home near here.

Our Rev-A-Shelf on the other side of the fridge is our pantry, and our new floors! Just click and go
on the install. Easy-peasy.

Welcome to Candidacy

Sorry blog, it's been a while. It's not that I haven't had things to share, it's just that the end of the semester and trying to pull everything together combined with my low energy and wanting to just watch Netflix all day has been winning out over writing. I have a big accomplishment to share, however, and I really can't let this one slide from being a blog post.

Yesterday I successfully defended my dissertation proposal! I am now officially a PhD Candidate, no longer just a student. This means I've finished all of my coursework, and can now say I'm "ABD" which is "all but dissertation." So what is a proposal? A proposal for my program is the first three chapters of my dissertation. These chapters consist of the hardest chapter to write, the first chapter, a literature review, the second chapter, and a description of how I will perform my study, or the methods chapter, the third chapter. The first chapter is the most difficult because it is essentially describing what the dissertation will be, and what the problem is that I will be addressing. You might not believe how hard it is to write a problem statement, but it is. Very hard. If there is anything I've learned from being in grad school like this, it is how to write so precisely that no one has a question about what I'm writing. The funny thing about writing with clarity and precision is that it takes three times as many words that then get removed. It's quite amazing. I've gotten used to tossing pages of words out the window during my writing process, but writing this proposal has brought it to a whole new level. I've probably tossed about 5-6,000 words, maybe more. That's about 20 double-spaced pages. My entire proposal is almost 80 pages. Ah, the process of writing. Especially chapter 1.

And this morning when I woke up I felt this great accomplishment. The sky was blue, and little Baby B was moving around like she was really excited too. There are some minor revisions I have to make with my proposal, but my entire committee signed off on it and now I can look ahead to a phase of my study where I am entirely focused on dissertation writing. I am sure that somewhere in my dissertation acknowledgements I will write that I defended my proposal at 36 weeks pregnant.

Showering Baby B

Over the past weekend we were given a most wonderful baby shower. Now, I've only been to three baby showers in my life until I went to my own. The first one was for a good friend, well, actually, it was for his girlfriend, and he wasn't there (long story) and it ended up being very weird and awkward and near the end of it the guitar started to get passed around and if you know me, you know how much I hate it when a guitar gets passed around. Because there is tremendous expectation for me to become a jukebox for people, and I really don't dig that. Needless to say, when the guitar came out, I promptly left. The second baby shower I went to was for one of my closest friends. She was the first in our tight knit group to have a baby, and she decided that she'd have her shower at a bar. Because, hey, just because she wasn't drinking didn't mean all of us couldn't raise a glass. So, yes, a bar baby shower, with men and women in attendance. The third baby shower was for my sister-in-law, and I helped plan it but I didn't know at ALL what I was doing. Her mother-in-law and I worked together to make a baby shower afternoon happen, and I think it was pretty nice, except I forgot to bring some gifts from her mom, who was living overseas at the time. It was highly embarrassing. But while we planned the shower, I did do some research and found out about some obnoxious games people play at these things and swiftly decided there would be no games of this kind.

Now, I have a wonderful little community here in Lansing, and several people offered to throw me a baby shower. The culmination of their generosity was on Saturday, and it really was a lovely afternoon. There were no games. No guitar passing. But there was wonderful company, amazing cake, lots of laughter, and a big booty to help us get ready for Baby B's arrival into the world!

The Baby B(ee) cake, my friendly shower attendees, Kevin looking 7 months pregnant, and
blocks with little messages for Baby B.

The Shower Planners, Side view of my giant belly, Kevin trying on the chicken towel.

Half Speed

As I walked up the stairs today in the College of Education to get to my office, a voice behind me said, "You're walking up the stairs like you're pregnant or something." Fortunately it was someone I knew and we laughed. I replied, "At least I'm still taking the stairs!" I'm at half speed these days. And it really blows. The last two weeks I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to slow down. It is hard to intentionally do this. My body just won't let me bustle around like I used to, and if I try, oh, pain starts to come. (I won't go into the details except to say that when another human is growing inside you, a lot of your muscles and ligaments bend and stretch in peculiar ways making it hard to swiftly get from one end of a room to another). As a way to help combat some of this pain, I've started to do some more yoga to keep things limber, keep my back strong, and also strengthen my legs since I can't really do any exercise. My best girlfriend said I shouldn't feel bad about not exercising because, in her words, "being pregnant is like walking up hill all the time." And this is true, but I do still feel like I should be moving my body, doing something. Except then I walk too fast. And then the pain.

Physically slowing down, as difficult as it is, has been an interesting practice in trying to slow other things down as well. Like taking more time to relax and rest. To accept I may not defend this semester (although I spoke with my advisor yesterday and there may still be hope!). To feel okay about not writing all day, and stopping after three hours because my pregnancy brain has limited my ability to think clearly. To make many slow walking trips in the morning to put things in my backpack for school. And to remember to just lighten the load in every way I can. This is hard for me, much harder than I thought it would be. Because I'm the type to just plow through even when I'm exhausted. Because I hate asking for help. Yet I know now, and into the near future and much further beyond I'll need all the help I can get and ask for as this little one enters the world. And yes, I ask her for help too sometimes, so we can make this journey together.

Not Defending

The last week or so I've been thinking about the possibility that I will not be defending my dissertation proposal before Baby B arrives. This possibility became more of a reality when I met with my advisor yesterday and brought up again that "I'd really like to defend before the end of the semester" and he slowly nodded his head "no." So we chatted about it. He said certainly there may be a chance, but we need to revisit that chance at the end of the month. I came home last night accepting that there is a now a 90% chance that I will not be defending. This is not because I can't get the work done. It's because I may not get the work done in the way it needs to get done.

As someone on the "faculty-track" I need to produce a dissertation that 1) is worth reading and 2) can produce more research. My dissertation is not simply an exercise in getting my PhD, or the ultimate work I will do as an academic. It is, for me, a representation of my work as a grad student, and how that work can continue to grow. So it must be comprehensive, well-written, and display that I have an agenda I can publish from in the future. Doing all of this takes time. If I were just interested in banging out a dissertation to get my PhD and call it good, then I wouldn't take so much care with this (or... to my thinking, my advisor wouldn't be so difficult about this. He has said as much. I think is exact words were "All of this work you're doing is 'just fine' and would make an 'okay, just fine' dissertation if you didn't want to be a faculty member. But you can't be 'just fine' because of your aspirations. So I'm going to be a pain in your ass").

Thus, I'm coming to terms with how much more work I need to do. Like combing through each tiny letter and word and sentence in what I've got so far (about 50 pages) and cleaning it all up. Sure, it makes sense. It's well-written, but it's not WELL-WRITTEN. I'm also coming to terms with how much literature I haven't included in my literature review. And even if I don't include it, I need to know about it to defend why I didn't include it. My advisor said to me earlier this year that I need to stop reading and start writing, but I also know where the gaps are in my knowledge so I need to brush up. Thus, more reading. (Most people who know me know I spend a lot of time reading, maybe too much. I can't help myself, there's so much to learn and know!!) Anyway, I can see all the pieces that need to be taken care of, and the work that will need to go into it, and frankly, it's kind of starting to stress me out. And everything in my life is slowing down right now, literally. I have to be cognizant of the fact that I can't rush around because my body won't let me, or rather, Baby B won't let me. I can't think very quickly either, I've got pregnancy brain - oh yeah, that's a totally real thing. I am having to force myself to sit down and rest. It's really hard, but I know it's better for me if I do. Accepting these things is difficult, but it also makes sense, so I'll continue to work through my proposal. If I don't defend, it's not the end of the world. I've given myself two years to write my dissertation. If I do defend, that's great! For now, small slow steps with care and thoughtfulness. And complete well-written sentences.

UURAF - Side Hustle

A glimpse of UURAFs of the past. This year there
will be almost 900 presentations!

This semester I took on some extra work through the Undergraduate Research (UR) office here at MSU. It's only about 5-7 hours a week, and only through April. It's been a good gig because we could use the extra cash (ahem, baby on the way) and it really doesn't feel like I'm losing any time. Or, maybe it's the magic of being a grad student, when I find the sweet spot balance of having just enough to do to ensure I don't watch too much Netflix and plan my time appropriately. I know once Baby B arrives, that sweet spot will vanish, probably for about 18 years.

What I've been doing for the UR office is helping with their biggest annual event called the University Undergraduate Research and Arts Forum, or UURAF for short (said "YOU-raf"). I volunteered my very first year to be a graduate student judge, and was amazed at all the research these undergrads do. This year I get a more behind the scenes look since I'm getting paid. Basically, UURAF is a big event where undergrads share their research. And I'm not talking about book reports on whales. These projects are quite involved. For example, some of the research projects that I've read include interviewing women faculty in the sciences, or modeling behaviors of stars, or giving the history of the chocolate chip cookie in America to better understand how events shape individual lifestyles. Totally fascinating! And they have great titles too. One is called "The Sands of Mars," another, "Lives Unearthed: Women in STEM" and my all time favorite, "The Interesting Findings of Curiosity." Even better, there are prizes to be won for best research! The event takes place on April 7th, and I'm looking forward to seeing all the research posters and presentations I've been reading about.

IKEA for the Win

A highly organized drawer with custom
fit IKEA inserts = happiness

On December 10, 2016, Kevin and I made the biggest IKEA purchase we've ever made. It was for our kitchen remodel, where we got all of our cabinets and counter-tops ordered. We knew that in November IKEA was having their kitchen event, yet we also had created a design for our kitchen that at the time didn't include the extra cabinets we now have. You see, the event requires a certain minimum purchase to get a percent of the purchase back for store credit, and since we had assumed we wouldn't be spending the minimum, we didn't hurry down to IKEA. Well, you know what happens when you assume. So that afternoon of December 10, we spent a little more than the minimum, and the kitchen specialist who helped us did a final total of our purchase. Then, he looked at us, then looked at a calendar, then started counting on his fingers and said, "looks like our next kitchen event may be within 90 days of today, which means you should come back some time in early March, bring your receipt, and get 20% back."

And here we are in early March. We went to IKEA on Saturday, marched in and showed our receipt, and got 20% back. It was awesome. We then went on a shopping spree for all the little things that we needed to finish the kitchen. Like drawer organizers. And kitchen trays. We also got a few extra things to help make our house a home and get ready for Baby B to arrive. It was a long day at IKEA, but well worth it!

Paczki Day!

I'm so glad I learned last year that Fat Tuesday is Paczki Day in the Midwest! Paczki Day was yesterday, obviously, and I ate a delicious chocolate filled paczki. I had to go to my doctor's office to get a blood draw to test my glucose levels  for gestational diabetes (I'm not always sure exactly what all these blood draws are for, so I just do what they tell me. Also as a side note, I have never had much luck in getting my blood drawn. For some reason most nurses and doctors are unable to find my veins, even though my veins are practically bursting from my arm screaming, "pick me!!" I usually come out of an office bruised on both arms because they keep going back and forth. Another reason I hate the act of giving blood. Last time I did I was bruised for a while. But the nurse at my doctor's office is SO GOOD and it is so painless and she only has to stab me one time). Anyway, I went to get a blood draw early in the morning, and then went to the QD, or Quality Dairy down the street and much to my delight they had a two for two, so of course I bought four paczkis. Two chocolate, and two custard. There is some speculation about who has the best paczkis in town. There is a bakery in Lansing called Roma Bakery that most people claim is the best, but Kevin did a taste test at work and they agreed that QD had the better paczki. I haven't had a paczki from Roma since last year so I can't weigh in on this debate. But I did make the mistake of buying a package from the neighborhood market down the street because I was desperate for a paczki over the weekend and, well, they were pretty bad. I will never make that mistake again. So yesterday I went specifically to QD (knowing Roma would be chaos). Although I believe the more traditional paczkis are jelly or jam or fruit filled, I do love chocolate and custard, so.... remember, two for two!! Once I got back home around 10am after my doc appointment I immediately gobbled up my chocolate paczki. It was delicious. Sadly, I'll have to wait until next year to have another one.

A Depressing Dissertation

Image from https://www.agb.org/trusteeship/2013/5/changing-academic-workforce

Given the political climate these days, being able to throw myself at something can provide a respite from hours of reading the Washington Post. I wish that "thing" that I threw myself at was running, but I can't do that now because I'm 6 months pregnant. I would do more on our kitchen remodel, but I'm really not that handy, as becomes more evident to me every time I try to help out (seriously, I have a hard time using a screw driver). I would even welcome gardening or lawn work, but the weather isn't quite ready. So what I throw myself at is my dissertation proposal. And unfortunately, it is not the most positive project I can work on, nor does it completely take my mind off of what is going on in the world. And perhaps this is the point of a dissertation, or any academic scholarship. Actually, I believe it MUST be the point of scholarship, to engage in what is happening today, to ask questions about why things are happening the way they are, and to potentially try to impact those things through research. And so began my dissertation proposal.

Initially, I had a very different approach to my topic. Last summer I chatted with my advisor and we both were excited about the direction I was heading in. I was going to examine teaching practices and ask questions about how colleges and universities support faculty who are not on the tenure track. However this topic always kind of bothered me, because although it was interesting, it wasn't quite "me." Then the election came, and I had to accept that the work that I do needs to be asking larger questions of society. So I went back somewhat to the drawing table and had real talk with my advisor. Real talk with him is sometimes awkward, but it is getting easier. Now I have a topic I am keenly interested in. Although I am still working out some of the kinks.

This is what my dissertation is about: I am going to examine how the work of non-tenure track faculty looks like women's work. The faculty system in higher education has become bifurcated, one for faculty who are "tenure-track" (think traditional faculty who go through the process of getting tenure, publishing, researching, and move through the ranks of assistant, associate, and finally full professor) and the other area of faculty, "non-tenure track" (think those faculty who typically have one- to three-year contracts, teach most of the time, and can be part-time). Over the last 30 years, this non-tenure track career has become the majority of faculty work, which means most of the faculty, or "professors" that we see in colleges and universities are working under time-limited contracts. They also don't do a lot of research, and they also likely will never go through the tenure process, because they're not in the tenure system. Additionally, in the last 15 years or so, the majority of those who are non-tenure track are now women. I'm not going to make any correlations here, but I'll say that there are issues wrapped up in this. Examples of these issues include the fact that non-tenure track faculty spend the majority of their time teaching, an occupation often viewed as women's work; non-tenure track faculty rarely bring prestige to a university, an expectation the university puts on faculty; and non-tenure track faculty are basically viewed as somewhat second tier (depending on what study I've just read).

I won't get into the details of my dissertation but I'll say that I am extremely excited about this topic. It reflects who I am and what I'm interested in. I'll also say I'm learning a lot about how to talk about issues of gender stratification, wage-gap problems, and overall inequity in higher education. But it can be a very glum subject matter. Yet a glum subject that needs to have some light shed on it.

Kitchen Friends

Sunday we had some friends come over to our house to help out with the kitchen project. It was such a huge help, especially since every day I get bigger and move slower and have a harder time picking things up, thus, helping with kitchen projects. We got a lot done, more than I had expected which was a nice surprise. First, a couple of cabinets were finally put together, and they are now staged in the place where they will live. We still have to build out the bottoms of these because they are free-standing and thus, need a little bit of a hack to get them how we want them. The IKEA cabinets we bought have a handy system that places them along a track on the wall, but since theses cabinets form the peninsula between our front door and the kitchen, we have to make them sturdy from the floor. The best part about these new cabinets I have to say, is the slow close. For too long I've lived in places with old drawers that skid along the cabinet frame and leave saw-dust inside the cabinets. These ones glide along tracks, and when you push them in, before they close, they slow down and gently close. I LOVE these! I feel so grown up.

The second big thing that happened was we got our new kitchen sink put in. It's also pretty awesome. The new faucet is nice and big, and we can maneuver pots and pans around it without hitting the faucet or the sides of the sink. Soon, the dishwasher will go in and then we'll really be living large. And the last big thing that happened was a bunch of drywall went up in the kitchen which means no more studs. This also means we can start putting in cabinets on that side soon too, next to the fridge and stove. As always, little by little our kitchen is coming together.

Look at those cabinets! Look at that drywall!

Me Too Iguana

Yesterday was the annual GRC, or the Graduate Research Colloquium. This is the visiting days for admitted master's and PhD students to the HALE and Student Affairs programs, and it is also a kind of annual marker for me because the first time I visited Lansing was during the GRC. I will never forget arriving at the teeny-tiny Lansing airport and driving through snow covered streets to get to campus. And thinking, "Where on Earth have I landed and why am I even considering moving here." Three years have passed since I first visited, sometimes that is unbelievable to me!

The GRC is also a time for current students to present research they are working on so prospective students can kind of see what is going on and what current students do. I presented in the morning on some data I collected last summer, and as I was putting my presentation together I was reminded of a children's book I used to have called Me Too Iguana. I've only ever met one other person who knew about this book, she was a friend I met in college and was very familiar with Sweet Pickle Books (the series this book comes from). So now when I think about these books I also think of my old college friend. One primary reason my presentation reminded me of this book is because I was discussing ways that colleges and universities tend to mimic one another in order to gain legitimacy. And Me Too Iguana is the story of an iguana who walks around town and thinks she needs to be like everyone else. Obviously this is a story about being yourself, but it was such a wonderful vivid memory I had of reading these books as a kid. I didn't work iguana into my presentation, but I did throw out my boring power point and only use the chalk board to give my talk. The feedback I got let me know it went over pretty well.

Positionality

One of the things that I have been taught while in grad school is to be transparent about my positionality, or the reflection of who I am in relation to my research. This is particularly important for the type of qualitative research that I do, and so when I write, I typically write about either my position as a critical researcher, or how I am connected to the research and any bias I might have. In some instances, I am explicit about my race and gender. For instance, I have written about women in academia, thus, I write about who I am, and how I experience the world as a woman in academia. I can't block my experiences, that's not how I do research. Even more so, this is not what the type of research I do calls for.

Where I am positioned in the world is also a reminder of why I am where I am. My economic class, gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, privilege, etc contribute to my being here at MSU, getting a PhD. And one of the reasons I am here, pursuing a faculty position, is because there are too few women and too few people of color in faculty positions. For this reason, coupled with my passion to be in the classroom and performing research, I feel compelled, maybe called to be in academe, because there might be someone who, like me, yearns to see a professor who looks like her. I have had this experience, and know the overjoyed feeling of having a faculty member who looks like me mentor me and teach me.

Over the summer, I wrote an epistemology statement for one of my professors, which is below. It's a little wonky, I know, but I think the gist is there. A version of this will go into my dissertation, because it is a necessary component of both my dissertation and the type of research I perform. It is also a reminder for me to stay where I am, despite the discouraging political climate, and also closer to home, the discouraging academic climate of today and some of the discrimination I have already encountered.

Researcher Epistemological Orientation
Lather (2006) suggests an appealing strategy for teaching research paradigms. In her view, it is essential doctoral students not only gain grounding in the elements of research paradigms but situate their learning within the irresolvable contradictions of such paradigms. One such contradiction is present in the ontological and epistemological congruence of a critical theory paradigm. As Guba and Lincoln (1994) note “the posture of [critical theory/critical ideology] effectively challenges the traditional distinction between ontology and epistemology” (p. 110). Sipe and Constable (1996) explain the ontological perspective of critical theorists is a reality “out there” and “found” (p. 158). 

Assuming reality is “out there” and “found” positions critical theorists in an objective post-positivist ontology. What complicates this position, however, is a reality constructed on the basis of power, thus a  “false consciousness.” Therefore, a true consciousness can be attained (Guba, 1990; Sipe & Constable, 1996). Guba and Lincoln (1994) describe this reality best by stating critical theorists claim reality has been “shaped by a congeries of social, political, cultural, economic, ethnic, and gender factors and then crystallized into a series of structures that are now (inappropriately) taken as ‘real,’…for all practical purposes the[se] structures are ‘real’” (p. 110). It is in part due to the internal contradiction between the ontology of critical theorists (as Guba and Lincoln describe) and the epistemology of critical theorists, that I subscribe to a critical theory/critical ideology perspective. It is also due to my own identity as a biracial woman that I find a natural “fit” with a critical perspective. 

I was raised Hapa, a word used by those like me who are "part" or "half". More literally, Hapa means “part Hawaiian.” (Although I am not Hawaiian). The word Hapa, its Hawaiian origin, Asian appropriation, meaning, and context today are embedded in how I understand the nature of reality and my relationship to what is known. As a biracial Asian-Caucasian person I understand the feeling of incongruence, of being of two distinct races. As a biracial woman, I have learned the world is constructed on social hierarchies. However, my Hapa or dual identity defines my biracial-ness as distinctly singular, and enables me as a researcher to move beyond, to “liv[e] in a hybrid space” (Lather, 2006, p. 41). Lather’s (2006) argument that research paradigms exist out beyond intelligibility despite our need for ordered epistemologies leads her to pontificate “what academic work will look like as it begins to juxtapose the discursive resources of different social formations…” (p. 42). This is where Hapa resides for me: first as an identity that is racially marked, making my relationship to what is known subjective; second as an identity beyond the “tired binaries of the monolithic West” (Lather, 2006, p. 42), giving me the privilege to objectively assume a true reality out beyond this constructed reality shaped by power, politics, and social hierarchies. Put plainly, my relationship with the world is one that is critical, that seeks to not just understand it, nor to only complicate it, but to change it. 

References
Guba, E. G., & Lincoln, Y. S. (1994). Competing paradigms in qualitative research. In N. K. Denzin & Y. S. Lincoln (Eds.), Handbook of qualitative research. Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE.

Guba, E. G. (Ed.). (1990). The Paradigm dialog. Newbury Park, Calif: Sage Publications.

Lather, P. (2006). Paradigm proliferation as a good thing to think with: teaching research in education as a wild profusion. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 19(1), 35–57. https://doi.org/10.1080/09518390500450144

Sipe, L., & Constable, S. (1996). A chart of four contemporary research paradigms: metaphors for the modes of inquiry. Taboo: The Journal of Culture and Education, 1(Spring), 153–163.

Kitchen Progress

We are making progress on our kitchen remodel! Slowly but surely, Kevin is doing all the work while I toil away on my dissertation proposal and try to keep the house in order. It seems like only yesterday we knocked down the wall and opened up the kitchen side of the house to the living room side of the house. One could say our house is stronger together now. It's amazing when things come together, so much more cohesion. The half partition where the stove will sit is still studs, and the fridge isn't quite in place yet. We (Kevin) has to figure out a tricky puzzle of how to build in a cabinet for our Rev-a-shelf pantry. I'm very excited about this rev-a-shelf pantry. It will add a lot of storage to our kitchen. Even though we knocked out a wall that had several upper cabinets on it, we are actually adding more storage to the kitchen with some fancy layout solutions, while still remaining open concept. This weekend I think we will try to re-do the plumbing so we can prepare to put the new sink and cabinets in on the window side of the kitchen. This is very exciting because, as you can see from the pictures below, we don't really have any cabinets right now. But are making good use of folding tables. And our coffee table in the living room is now our food pantry. And the microwave is in the living room too. And we have a dresser by the front door that has the silverware in it. And the pots and pans are in the red cabinet by the sliding glass door, uh, in the living room. So it takes about 30 extra steps to really do anything in the kitchen because it's a lot of walking back and forth. I don't mind too much though. I do wish I had a step counter, however, because then I could do a comparison for how many extra steps I actually take when a kitchen is spread out over three areas of my house.

Chapter One

I rewrote my outline for chapter one to help
guide the rest of my progress and keep
me on track. Don't mind the belly bump view.

Last week I met with my advisor to make a plan to defend my dissertation proposal. It was a very good meeting. One reason it was so good was because he really helped me see the bigger issue of what I was trying to get at with my dissertation topic. One would think that choosing a topic and saying why it's a problem would be kind of simple. It's not. I have been struggling to really clarify why my topic has a problem, and why this problem is justified. "Because no one is doing this research" is definitely not a good justification for a problem. (Although if I said "because we shouldn't build a wall" I think my advisor would get on board).

So I am typing away, typing away, and making some progress. Next week my advisor and I meet to go line by line over what I have finished. And just yesterday I realized that I am actually writing a dissertation right now. Sure, technically speaking, it is a dissertation proposal, but for all intents and purposes, a dissertation proposal is really chapters one, two, and three of an actual dissertation. And I am closing in on finishing chapter one. CHAPTER ONE FOLKS. It is apparently one of the hardest chapters to write because it must clearly express everything that will be in my dissertation. Indeed, I am finding it rather difficult. But I'm getting there.

Prego Wear

I waited a while to buy maternity pants, and I once I put them on I thought, "Why did I wait so long?!?!?" They are the most comfortable things ever. And I never want to go back to normal pants. While searching for maternity jeans and pants, however, a lot of awful clothing options came up. Why any woman would wear some of the things I've seen in my online shopping I just don't know. So I was curious about what else is available for pregnant women's wear, and OMG there is some awful stuff. Take a look at the little collage I put together.

On a related note, I think the maternity clothing racket might be just second to wedding planning (or as I learn more, child care). Sure, as my body changes I'd love to make sure I don't look like I'm wearing a tent all the time. But the market for maternity clothes and what kind of person buys it doesn't make sense to me. When I see something I think, "I'll look so cute and pregnant in that top!" Then I reconsider because I remember I'll probably only wear it for two months. And the justification for buying a new wardrobe vanishes. Except for maternity pants. I have invested in two pairs and will probably buy another, and that is well worth it. I am currently waiting for my bestie to have her daughter because as she said, "I was given a whole bunch of cute prego wear and I'll ship it to you soon!" And just like that, new wardrobe for free. Thanks to all the pregnant ladies who initially purchased maternity clothes so I could have a free temporary wardrobe starting in about March.

Back To It

It never ceases to amaze me how the breaks between semesters really mess me up. The first week after a semester is over, I'm still in work mode, and trying to do things. I usually have goals for each break, which sometimes I accomplish. This time around I hoped to get a good start on a literature review for my dissertation proposal, and I did (although because I have unrealistically high standards, I still don't feel like I have enough done). Then over the last week or so, I haven't done much of any work for school, and true rest has finally set in. I want to house project, I want to sew clothes, I want to craft things, and I can't because school starts next week. This week I've already started back to work with my assistantship and that has gotten me already into a work mode, albeit grudgingly.

The back and forth of being in work mode and then finally having enough days away from it that I can figure out how to rest, only to realize I have to find a way to get back into work mode is discombobulating to say the least. And this experience happens almost every time I am on break from school. It's rather annoying! I'm not ungrateful for my vacation break at all, it's just hard for me to move back and forth between the two with only three weeks between. It's like interval training. When I catch my breath I have to go hard again for another round. Moreover, I feel a little more pressure to get back to it more quickly than usual.

What makes this semester different than others is the urgency I feel to try to complete my dissertation proposal, and defend it. Basically what this means is, I'll write the first three chapters of my dissertation, considered the proposal portion, (anywhere between 75-100 pages) and then get my dissertation committee together where they can hammer me with questions so I can prove I'm worthy of continuing on as a PhD student. Obviously, I want to do this all before, oh, let's say May 20th because you know, Baby B is scheduled to make her arrival on the 29th. So the sooner, the better. I have to keep in mind as well, that all of my best plans may come crashing down because, oh you know, Baby B could decide that she wants to come early. So, I'll do my best. And for now, I'll savor the closing days of the winter break and practice writing on a more regular basis so I won't be in too much shock when the semester really begins next week.