Not Defending

The last week or so I've been thinking about the possibility that I will not be defending my dissertation proposal before Baby B arrives. This possibility became more of a reality when I met with my advisor yesterday and brought up again that "I'd really like to defend before the end of the semester" and he slowly nodded his head "no." So we chatted about it. He said certainly there may be a chance, but we need to revisit that chance at the end of the month. I came home last night accepting that there is a now a 90% chance that I will not be defending. This is not because I can't get the work done. It's because I may not get the work done in the way it needs to get done.

As someone on the "faculty-track" I need to produce a dissertation that 1) is worth reading and 2) can produce more research. My dissertation is not simply an exercise in getting my PhD, or the ultimate work I will do as an academic. It is, for me, a representation of my work as a grad student, and how that work can continue to grow. So it must be comprehensive, well-written, and display that I have an agenda I can publish from in the future. Doing all of this takes time. If I were just interested in banging out a dissertation to get my PhD and call it good, then I wouldn't take so much care with this (or... to my thinking, my advisor wouldn't be so difficult about this. He has said as much. I think is exact words were "All of this work you're doing is 'just fine' and would make an 'okay, just fine' dissertation if you didn't want to be a faculty member. But you can't be 'just fine' because of your aspirations. So I'm going to be a pain in your ass").

Thus, I'm coming to terms with how much more work I need to do. Like combing through each tiny letter and word and sentence in what I've got so far (about 50 pages) and cleaning it all up. Sure, it makes sense. It's well-written, but it's not WELL-WRITTEN. I'm also coming to terms with how much literature I haven't included in my literature review. And even if I don't include it, I need to know about it to defend why I didn't include it. My advisor said to me earlier this year that I need to stop reading and start writing, but I also know where the gaps are in my knowledge so I need to brush up. Thus, more reading. (Most people who know me know I spend a lot of time reading, maybe too much. I can't help myself, there's so much to learn and know!!) Anyway, I can see all the pieces that need to be taken care of, and the work that will need to go into it, and frankly, it's kind of starting to stress me out. And everything in my life is slowing down right now, literally. I have to be cognizant of the fact that I can't rush around because my body won't let me, or rather, Baby B won't let me. I can't think very quickly either, I've got pregnancy brain - oh yeah, that's a totally real thing. I am having to force myself to sit down and rest. It's really hard, but I know it's better for me if I do. Accepting these things is difficult, but it also makes sense, so I'll continue to work through my proposal. If I don't defend, it's not the end of the world. I've given myself two years to write my dissertation. If I do defend, that's great! For now, small slow steps with care and thoughtfulness. And complete well-written sentences.