Half Speed

As I walked up the stairs today in the College of Education to get to my office, a voice behind me said, "You're walking up the stairs like you're pregnant or something." Fortunately it was someone I knew and we laughed. I replied, "At least I'm still taking the stairs!" I'm at half speed these days. And it really blows. The last two weeks I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to slow down. It is hard to intentionally do this. My body just won't let me bustle around like I used to, and if I try, oh, pain starts to come. (I won't go into the details except to say that when another human is growing inside you, a lot of your muscles and ligaments bend and stretch in peculiar ways making it hard to swiftly get from one end of a room to another). As a way to help combat some of this pain, I've started to do some more yoga to keep things limber, keep my back strong, and also strengthen my legs since I can't really do any exercise. My best girlfriend said I shouldn't feel bad about not exercising because, in her words, "being pregnant is like walking up hill all the time." And this is true, but I do still feel like I should be moving my body, doing something. Except then I walk too fast. And then the pain.

Physically slowing down, as difficult as it is, has been an interesting practice in trying to slow other things down as well. Like taking more time to relax and rest. To accept I may not defend this semester (although I spoke with my advisor yesterday and there may still be hope!). To feel okay about not writing all day, and stopping after three hours because my pregnancy brain has limited my ability to think clearly. To make many slow walking trips in the morning to put things in my backpack for school. And to remember to just lighten the load in every way I can. This is hard for me, much harder than I thought it would be. Because I'm the type to just plow through even when I'm exhausted. Because I hate asking for help. Yet I know now, and into the near future and much further beyond I'll need all the help I can get and ask for as this little one enters the world. And yes, I ask her for help too sometimes, so we can make this journey together.