Major Imposter Part 2

This just about sums it up.

I had coffee with a friend today who is graduating this semester. It's very exciting to see him finish his dissertation, and even better, congratulate him because he landed a faculty position! Those are hard to come by. I am fully aware that faculty jobs are hard to come by. I am fully aware of this without my advisor reminding me every time I see him. I have always known this, yet when my major imposter is around, I struggle with feeling confident that I've made the right decision to try to be a faculty member. Then I struggle with feeling like maybe this is all wrong. This is what major imposter does, makes me shrink into a tiny speck of feeling like nothing. Or blow up into a giant blob of insecurity.

Despite my advisor's uncanny ability to describe a future that seems both desirable and impossibly difficult, he shared something that seemed to really hit home for me. (As an aside, don't get me wrong, I really like my advisor. He just, uh, doesn't beat around the bush. Or soften the blow). As mentioned in my previous post, when I take a new class on a subject that is new, I get really excited and then my brain wants to tackle every single question I have, even if my questions are completely incoherent. Something else that happens is I try to become someone else. Like pretending I'm interested in all the things someone else in my class is, or my advisor, or whatever. It's shiny! You like it! I LIKE IT TOO!!! LET'S DO RESEARCH!!! Unfortunately, this is a bad strategy. Not just because I convince myself I'm interested in something else, but because then I lose focus on what I really like, and why I came to MSU.

The story that my advisor shared was basically about figuring out what you're good at, what is impossible, and what is reasonable. Why try to stick yourself into something that 1) isn't a good fit and even worse, 2) you might not actually be that good at? I just kind of stared. Then blinked, and then thought maybe I'm trying to be good at something that well, just isn't me? And wow, doing this is a REALLY good way to make sure my major imposter sticks around for a long time. A very long time. Working through what my strengths are, and what I'm interested in without losing myself and continuing to turn in work (and write all this other crap because I am told every time I meet with my advisor that I really need to be writing and publishing) can be challenging. Or, it could just be grad school. Onward to focusing on my own strengths and research interests.