Half Speed

As I walked up the stairs today in the College of Education to get to my office, a voice behind me said, "You're walking up the stairs like you're pregnant or something." Fortunately it was someone I knew and we laughed. I replied, "At least I'm still taking the stairs!" I'm at half speed these days. And it really blows. The last two weeks I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to slow down. It is hard to intentionally do this. My body just won't let me bustle around like I used to, and if I try, oh, pain starts to come. (I won't go into the details except to say that when another human is growing inside you, a lot of your muscles and ligaments bend and stretch in peculiar ways making it hard to swiftly get from one end of a room to another). As a way to help combat some of this pain, I've started to do some more yoga to keep things limber, keep my back strong, and also strengthen my legs since I can't really do any exercise. My best girlfriend said I shouldn't feel bad about not exercising because, in her words, "being pregnant is like walking up hill all the time." And this is true, but I do still feel like I should be moving my body, doing something. Except then I walk too fast. And then the pain.

Physically slowing down, as difficult as it is, has been an interesting practice in trying to slow other things down as well. Like taking more time to relax and rest. To accept I may not defend this semester (although I spoke with my advisor yesterday and there may still be hope!). To feel okay about not writing all day, and stopping after three hours because my pregnancy brain has limited my ability to think clearly. To make many slow walking trips in the morning to put things in my backpack for school. And to remember to just lighten the load in every way I can. This is hard for me, much harder than I thought it would be. Because I'm the type to just plow through even when I'm exhausted. Because I hate asking for help. Yet I know now, and into the near future and much further beyond I'll need all the help I can get and ask for as this little one enters the world. And yes, I ask her for help too sometimes, so we can make this journey together.

Not Defending

The last week or so I've been thinking about the possibility that I will not be defending my dissertation proposal before Baby B arrives. This possibility became more of a reality when I met with my advisor yesterday and brought up again that "I'd really like to defend before the end of the semester" and he slowly nodded his head "no." So we chatted about it. He said certainly there may be a chance, but we need to revisit that chance at the end of the month. I came home last night accepting that there is a now a 90% chance that I will not be defending. This is not because I can't get the work done. It's because I may not get the work done in the way it needs to get done.

As someone on the "faculty-track" I need to produce a dissertation that 1) is worth reading and 2) can produce more research. My dissertation is not simply an exercise in getting my PhD, or the ultimate work I will do as an academic. It is, for me, a representation of my work as a grad student, and how that work can continue to grow. So it must be comprehensive, well-written, and display that I have an agenda I can publish from in the future. Doing all of this takes time. If I were just interested in banging out a dissertation to get my PhD and call it good, then I wouldn't take so much care with this (or... to my thinking, my advisor wouldn't be so difficult about this. He has said as much. I think is exact words were "All of this work you're doing is 'just fine' and would make an 'okay, just fine' dissertation if you didn't want to be a faculty member. But you can't be 'just fine' because of your aspirations. So I'm going to be a pain in your ass").

Thus, I'm coming to terms with how much more work I need to do. Like combing through each tiny letter and word and sentence in what I've got so far (about 50 pages) and cleaning it all up. Sure, it makes sense. It's well-written, but it's not WELL-WRITTEN. I'm also coming to terms with how much literature I haven't included in my literature review. And even if I don't include it, I need to know about it to defend why I didn't include it. My advisor said to me earlier this year that I need to stop reading and start writing, but I also know where the gaps are in my knowledge so I need to brush up. Thus, more reading. (Most people who know me know I spend a lot of time reading, maybe too much. I can't help myself, there's so much to learn and know!!) Anyway, I can see all the pieces that need to be taken care of, and the work that will need to go into it, and frankly, it's kind of starting to stress me out. And everything in my life is slowing down right now, literally. I have to be cognizant of the fact that I can't rush around because my body won't let me, or rather, Baby B won't let me. I can't think very quickly either, I've got pregnancy brain - oh yeah, that's a totally real thing. I am having to force myself to sit down and rest. It's really hard, but I know it's better for me if I do. Accepting these things is difficult, but it also makes sense, so I'll continue to work through my proposal. If I don't defend, it's not the end of the world. I've given myself two years to write my dissertation. If I do defend, that's great! For now, small slow steps with care and thoughtfulness. And complete well-written sentences.

UURAF - Side Hustle

A glimpse of UURAFs of the past. This year there
will be almost 900 presentations!

This semester I took on some extra work through the Undergraduate Research (UR) office here at MSU. It's only about 5-7 hours a week, and only through April. It's been a good gig because we could use the extra cash (ahem, baby on the way) and it really doesn't feel like I'm losing any time. Or, maybe it's the magic of being a grad student, when I find the sweet spot balance of having just enough to do to ensure I don't watch too much Netflix and plan my time appropriately. I know once Baby B arrives, that sweet spot will vanish, probably for about 18 years.

What I've been doing for the UR office is helping with their biggest annual event called the University Undergraduate Research and Arts Forum, or UURAF for short (said "YOU-raf"). I volunteered my very first year to be a graduate student judge, and was amazed at all the research these undergrads do. This year I get a more behind the scenes look since I'm getting paid. Basically, UURAF is a big event where undergrads share their research. And I'm not talking about book reports on whales. These projects are quite involved. For example, some of the research projects that I've read include interviewing women faculty in the sciences, or modeling behaviors of stars, or giving the history of the chocolate chip cookie in America to better understand how events shape individual lifestyles. Totally fascinating! And they have great titles too. One is called "The Sands of Mars," another, "Lives Unearthed: Women in STEM" and my all time favorite, "The Interesting Findings of Curiosity." Even better, there are prizes to be won for best research! The event takes place on April 7th, and I'm looking forward to seeing all the research posters and presentations I've been reading about.

IKEA for the Win

A highly organized drawer with custom
fit IKEA inserts = happiness

On December 10, 2016, Kevin and I made the biggest IKEA purchase we've ever made. It was for our kitchen remodel, where we got all of our cabinets and counter-tops ordered. We knew that in November IKEA was having their kitchen event, yet we also had created a design for our kitchen that at the time didn't include the extra cabinets we now have. You see, the event requires a certain minimum purchase to get a percent of the purchase back for store credit, and since we had assumed we wouldn't be spending the minimum, we didn't hurry down to IKEA. Well, you know what happens when you assume. So that afternoon of December 10, we spent a little more than the minimum, and the kitchen specialist who helped us did a final total of our purchase. Then, he looked at us, then looked at a calendar, then started counting on his fingers and said, "looks like our next kitchen event may be within 90 days of today, which means you should come back some time in early March, bring your receipt, and get 20% back."

And here we are in early March. We went to IKEA on Saturday, marched in and showed our receipt, and got 20% back. It was awesome. We then went on a shopping spree for all the little things that we needed to finish the kitchen. Like drawer organizers. And kitchen trays. We also got a few extra things to help make our house a home and get ready for Baby B to arrive. It was a long day at IKEA, but well worth it!

Paczki Day!

I'm so glad I learned last year that Fat Tuesday is Paczki Day in the Midwest! Paczki Day was yesterday, obviously, and I ate a delicious chocolate filled paczki. I had to go to my doctor's office to get a blood draw to test my glucose levels  for gestational diabetes (I'm not always sure exactly what all these blood draws are for, so I just do what they tell me. Also as a side note, I have never had much luck in getting my blood drawn. For some reason most nurses and doctors are unable to find my veins, even though my veins are practically bursting from my arm screaming, "pick me!!" I usually come out of an office bruised on both arms because they keep going back and forth. Another reason I hate the act of giving blood. Last time I did I was bruised for a while. But the nurse at my doctor's office is SO GOOD and it is so painless and she only has to stab me one time). Anyway, I went to get a blood draw early in the morning, and then went to the QD, or Quality Dairy down the street and much to my delight they had a two for two, so of course I bought four paczkis. Two chocolate, and two custard. There is some speculation about who has the best paczkis in town. There is a bakery in Lansing called Roma Bakery that most people claim is the best, but Kevin did a taste test at work and they agreed that QD had the better paczki. I haven't had a paczki from Roma since last year so I can't weigh in on this debate. But I did make the mistake of buying a package from the neighborhood market down the street because I was desperate for a paczki over the weekend and, well, they were pretty bad. I will never make that mistake again. So yesterday I went specifically to QD (knowing Roma would be chaos). Although I believe the more traditional paczkis are jelly or jam or fruit filled, I do love chocolate and custard, so.... remember, two for two!! Once I got back home around 10am after my doc appointment I immediately gobbled up my chocolate paczki. It was delicious. Sadly, I'll have to wait until next year to have another one.